Chimera News
As we embark upon the New Year, some of us will
do so with excessive binge drinking. Those who
are not veteran alcohol consumers will probably
find themselves unable to do anything but suffer
in delirium and nausea for afterwards.
The rockers I chatted with are expert drinkers
now, but they all had to start somewhere (and
some of them still don’t know any better).
Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, from
up and down the West Coast, I bring you the
legacy of rock ’n’ roll hangovers!
400 BLOWS, Christian (Hollywood) “I was about 13. My friend’s parents were out of town so we raided their liquor cabinet. I drank a lot of everything that was available. Soon I was crawling across the thick shag carpeted floor out the front door and onto the driveway. Where I thought I was headed I haven’t a clue. I was puking profusely and of course I slipped from an on-my-hands-and-knees position into an on-my-face- and-knees-in-a-puddle-of-puke position. Very sexy.
I awoke the next morning on my friend’s sister’s bed, which I had nocturnally converted into a four-poster vomitorium. I bundled up my little gift in the soggy sheet and tossed it into one of their garbage cans out back. I then somehow managed to stumble home and sneak into my own dry bed where I laid for many hours clutching my throbbing skull, the sun’s piercing rays and mom’s confounded vacuuming my mortal enemies.”
LOPEZ, Tom (Portland)
“The first time I ever got drunk was probably my worst hangover. It was the last day of Junior High, so school got out early. I went with some friends to one of their houses where they force- fed me vodka, Coors and cheap Canadian whiskey from their parents’ wet bar. I got fucking tanked.
After exposing myself at a local park in broad daylight, I passed out under a tree. I woke up later lying in a pool of my own puke (canned mushrooms and alcohol) with my pants around my ankles in the middle of this park in broad daylight! I toast that glorious afternoon every goddamn day.”
RUBY DOE, Aaron (Seattle)
“There is absolutely NO good reason to drink absinthe! It tasted exactly like rubbing alcohol. My friend who had it said that it was a ‘different kind of drunk.’ Personally, a drunk’s a drunk, if you ask me. This stuff just got you there faster, WAY faster. You think you know pain? You know nothing! Don’t even try it.”
MERRICK FOUNDATION, Steve (Portland)
“This summer I woke up hung like a horse. I took a shit and not wanting to wait for water pressure to build up for my shower, I didn’t flush, and then forgot about it.
Later, I went outside and was feeling a little better after some coffee. My neighbor was trying to pop start his Volkswagen, so I helped him and after 10 minutes I was feeling dizzy and sick again. I went to the bathroom to regain composure, lifted up the toilet lid and saw this bowl full of unflushed shit. Needless to say I topped that shit off with a healthy dose of last night’s elixir. I haven’t forgotten to flush the toilet since.”
PIST-UNS, Holly (Portland)
“It was after a night of drinking at the Paragon in North Portland. It was during my Bourbon Mist phase (SoCo and Jim Beam served on the rocks - deadly). The bartender at this joint would have one at the ready for me by the time I pulled up. I decided after a few Mists to go for some Rumpleminze. I somehow dumped the 100 proof peppermint schnapps all over one of the tables and licked it off so as not to waste it. I was too wasted to need anymore, but I did it anyway. Gross! Those tables are nasty!
The next day I woke up with the jackhammer of hell going off in my head and it took two days to get over it. The first day consisted of me lying on the couch with a pan by my head, which I think I had to use more than once. I was incredibly miserable and vowed never to drink again. Ha, ha, that didn’t last long! I know I woke up with my boots still on that morning — never a healthy sign of a good night’s rest!”
SK & THE PUNK ASS BITCHES, Scott (Portland)
“The worst hangover I ever had was when I was living with my sister when I was about 19. I don't remember much from the night before, but I woke up in my sister’s boyfriend’s waterbed, with poop in my pants, and barf on the side of the bed.
When I finally did speak to my sister, she said there was food everywhere in the house I’d just thrown around (on the walls, the floor, etc.). It caused me such great pain that I missed seeing Bad Brains the next night. It took all the energy I could muster to just clean myself up.”
HIGH & THE MIGHTY, Roland (Portland)
“One time in college I started out drinking cheap vodka out of the plastic bottle, then moved on to lots and lots of beer. Soon the room was spinning and I launched two salvos of puke.
Suddenly impatient to be home, I jogged the three miles back to my dorm, probably sweated off whatever water I had left in my system, and passed out in the hallway within a few feet of my room. At that point, unscrupulous hooligans fucked with me in the night, drawing things upon my person with magic markers. I woke up in the hallway to the sound of the fire alarm, and had to go stand outside with everybody else in the freezing cold with a screaming headache, shin splints, lung pain, Maori-style facial tattoos, bepuked clothes, and the dry heaves. College is for learning!”
400 BLOWS, Christian (Hollywood) “I was about 13. My friend’s parents were out of town so we raided their liquor cabinet. I drank a lot of everything that was available. Soon I was crawling across the thick shag carpeted floor out the front door and onto the driveway. Where I thought I was headed I haven’t a clue. I was puking profusely and of course I slipped from an on-my-hands-and-knees position into an on-my-face- and-knees-in-a-puddle-of-puke position. Very sexy.
I awoke the next morning on my friend’s sister’s bed, which I had nocturnally converted into a four-poster vomitorium. I bundled up my little gift in the soggy sheet and tossed it into one of their garbage cans out back. I then somehow managed to stumble home and sneak into my own dry bed where I laid for many hours clutching my throbbing skull, the sun’s piercing rays and mom’s confounded vacuuming my mortal enemies.”
LOPEZ, Tom (Portland)
“The first time I ever got drunk was probably my worst hangover. It was the last day of Junior High, so school got out early. I went with some friends to one of their houses where they force- fed me vodka, Coors and cheap Canadian whiskey from their parents’ wet bar. I got fucking tanked.
After exposing myself at a local park in broad daylight, I passed out under a tree. I woke up later lying in a pool of my own puke (canned mushrooms and alcohol) with my pants around my ankles in the middle of this park in broad daylight! I toast that glorious afternoon every goddamn day.”
RUBY DOE, Aaron (Seattle)
“There is absolutely NO good reason to drink absinthe! It tasted exactly like rubbing alcohol. My friend who had it said that it was a ‘different kind of drunk.’ Personally, a drunk’s a drunk, if you ask me. This stuff just got you there faster, WAY faster. You think you know pain? You know nothing! Don’t even try it.”
MERRICK FOUNDATION, Steve (Portland)
“This summer I woke up hung like a horse. I took a shit and not wanting to wait for water pressure to build up for my shower, I didn’t flush, and then forgot about it.
Later, I went outside and was feeling a little better after some coffee. My neighbor was trying to pop start his Volkswagen, so I helped him and after 10 minutes I was feeling dizzy and sick again. I went to the bathroom to regain composure, lifted up the toilet lid and saw this bowl full of unflushed shit. Needless to say I topped that shit off with a healthy dose of last night’s elixir. I haven’t forgotten to flush the toilet since.”
PIST-UNS, Holly (Portland)
“It was after a night of drinking at the Paragon in North Portland. It was during my Bourbon Mist phase (SoCo and Jim Beam served on the rocks - deadly). The bartender at this joint would have one at the ready for me by the time I pulled up. I decided after a few Mists to go for some Rumpleminze. I somehow dumped the 100 proof peppermint schnapps all over one of the tables and licked it off so as not to waste it. I was too wasted to need anymore, but I did it anyway. Gross! Those tables are nasty!
The next day I woke up with the jackhammer of hell going off in my head and it took two days to get over it. The first day consisted of me lying on the couch with a pan by my head, which I think I had to use more than once. I was incredibly miserable and vowed never to drink again. Ha, ha, that didn’t last long! I know I woke up with my boots still on that morning — never a healthy sign of a good night’s rest!”
SK & THE PUNK ASS BITCHES, Scott (Portland)
“The worst hangover I ever had was when I was living with my sister when I was about 19. I don't remember much from the night before, but I woke up in my sister’s boyfriend’s waterbed, with poop in my pants, and barf on the side of the bed.
When I finally did speak to my sister, she said there was food everywhere in the house I’d just thrown around (on the walls, the floor, etc.). It caused me such great pain that I missed seeing Bad Brains the next night. It took all the energy I could muster to just clean myself up.”
HIGH & THE MIGHTY, Roland (Portland)
“One time in college I started out drinking cheap vodka out of the plastic bottle, then moved on to lots and lots of beer. Soon the room was spinning and I launched two salvos of puke.
Suddenly impatient to be home, I jogged the three miles back to my dorm, probably sweated off whatever water I had left in my system, and passed out in the hallway within a few feet of my room. At that point, unscrupulous hooligans fucked with me in the night, drawing things upon my person with magic markers. I woke up in the hallway to the sound of the fire alarm, and had to go stand outside with everybody else in the freezing cold with a screaming headache, shin splints, lung pain, Maori-style facial tattoos, bepuked clothes, and the dry heaves. College is for learning!”
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