By John Chandler

My friends generally consider me a fairly mellow fellow. None of them can believe I have anger management problems. They aren't aware of the hideous inner turmoil. They can't see the waves of bile and stomach acid ebbing and flowing like the surf at Daytona Beach.

I have to say in all modesty that I do a decent job of internalizing all the day-to-day crap that eats me alive and keeps me pacing the floor at night. I'm doing my best to get into the cosmic flow of Zen tolerance; supposedly my anger and anxiety will dissipate like so much morning mist. It's a nice thought, I suppose.

That said, I'm going to give voice to one little thing that's been twisting my undies lately: What to do with friends who turn out to be conservative yahoos. This dilemma pops up with unsettling regularity in the co-worker and relative department. Sometimes it's best to "agree to disagree," especially if this co-worker is your boss. Unemployment isn't a viable option these days, and if you're at all clever, you can take pride in steering the conversation to neutral topics such as, "How about those (fill in name of appropriate sports team)" or "Did you see (fill in name of inane TV show or movie)." But you can still pick your friends, right?.

I have an amigo named Walt who lives in Eugene. We're not exactly bosom buddies or anything, but we've known each other for more than 20 years. Our relationship is mostly based on reminiscing about old times and jabbering about movies via e-mail. When I recently brought up "Fahrenheit 9/11" and detailed some of its plot points, I got a return e-mail consisting of a fiery diatribe against Michael Moore that sounded like he'd taken dictation from Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly or one of those other bought-and-paid-for corporate flacks disguised as rational human beings.

I knew Walt was no genius and I had a sneaking suspicion he'd been listening to talk radio. But I had no idea things had degenerated to this point. Walt is a guy who's never made more than $8/hour in his whole life. (And he's a college graduate!) In fact, he's probably had to deal with more bum luck than anyone I can think of. He walks with a permanent limp as a result of getting hit by an uninsured driver and can't work for any length of time at even the most menial job. His descriptions of the physical therapy (which he can't afford) he undergoes for his leg sound like something from the Spanish Inquisition.

Why the hell would someone that's been kicked around as much as he has, be a Republican? Stockholm Syndrome maybe? Is he like the slave that's grown used to his predicament and cherishes the loving sting of the master's whip? If I had his lot in life I'd strongly consider listing my occupation as "anarchist." Or just fling my ass off the nearest bridge.

In the past, I'd chalk up this episode as a minor political difference. Now I'm considering cutting the guy loose. Pretty harsh, huh?

Make no mistake, the upcoming election is the most monumental one we've ever faced. The political battle lines have never been drawn quite so distinctly. We can either vote for Kerry and gamble that things will get a wee bit better, or go with Bush and embrace evil and mediocrity in all its forms. Fundamentalist Christianity will become the law of the land and our hopes and dreams will be stamped "Property of Corporate America." In other words, we'll be effing doomed.

I now view my unfortunate friend Walt as the enemy. With his inexplicable allegiance to a system that's done nothing but gleefully trample his ass, he's become part of the problem. Why in the name of Neptune's trident would I want to hang out with someone whose core values are so misguided? Before I might have howled at the poor slob until I was breathless and blue. Unfortunately, I don't have the time or the will to try and convince him he's being conned. Talk about a pointless activity.

This one's going to keep me awake for at least a week.