Are you lonely? Has it been, ahem, "a while", so to speak? Have you been doggedly pursuing the american dream of developing a blissful domestic scene with a sensitive, smart and sexy significant someone, but to no avail? If you're still flossing, taking aerobic exercise, polishing your shoes and only wearing your sweats around the house, you're trying too hard! There's no reason why anyone like you should be lonesome these days. If you're single and looking, then see here-- there's a forest of future exes all around you! Take a gander at that chick in the corner seat, staring blankly out the window from slightly puffy eyes, or the boy at the bar with his second shot of Vitamin J and his next to last Pall Mall, at 10 o'clock in the morning. These, ladies and gentlemen, are the Depressed, and they can be yours, today!


The Depressed have been long maligned as self-absorbed, unkempt, humorless malcontents of no good to anyone save pharmaceutical company executives and self-help publishers. For eons, they have been written off as "unreachable", "unstable" and "navel-gazing", but today's Depressed actually have a lot to offer the rest of us. For instance, just like cops, the Depressed can be counted on to have the best drugs, and plenty of them, since there aren't a lot of friends around. And there's nothing like the warm feeling inside, that comes from a god-complex in full throttle. It's positively empowering, thinking of yourself as a perfectly brilliant beam of heaven, divinely illuminating the darkest corners of their melancholia. Of course, you can change them! The Depressed are putty in your benevolent hands.

One of the most appealing features of the Depressed is that they are easily accessible. In public places, the Depressed are mostly found alone, and thus, are wide open to a variety of advances. Although the Depressed might appear to prefer their own company, perhaps even adopting flagrantly anti-social behaviors such as the reading of inscrutable manuscripts, or if they're really far gone, the active writing of them, they may be readily distracted from their pastimes with the proper gambit. Pique their interest by exclaiming some inviting phrase, like "Oh, my Zoloft!", or "These scars will never heal..." (the latter should be accompanied by a subtle stroking of the wrist). Once you've got their attention, if you can shut up long enough to pretend you're a good listener, you've got it made. All the Depressed really want to do is talk, about themselves, preferably. You'll need a couple of open-ended questions to get them going, and a general air of empathy, which is easily fabricated. With practice, a seemingly genuine expression of interest will become second nature. Ask your favorite bartender for some pointers. Most of the Depressed either have been, are, or would like to be, in therapy, so getting them on the couch, metaphorically and literally, is a piece of cake, if you can "Hmmm...", convincingly.

Sex with the Depressed is surprisingly rewarding. They are usually so grateful for the opportunity, they really put-out with gusto. There's no hemming and hawing until the third or fifth date, if they've opened up, they're open for business. Remember, the Depressed spend a good amount of their time in bed, and by and large, this is by no means wasted time! Chances are, they've been dwelling on someone else in the biblical sense, and will now apply the every effort of their imagination to you. The confidence that comes with knowing with great certainty that you have absolutely no competition, will free you to lie back and relax, while the Depressed lover goes to town. And ladies, Prozac will never be confused with Viagra, but if properly viewed from the all-important "all about me" perspective, its engendering of long-term, if fruitless, hard-ons, is to be applauded. Don't worry about feeling like Jenny Garp, your Depressed guy will be effusively responsive, despite the blue balls.

Eventually, as with every single relationship you will ever have, the time will come when you lose interest. It is in the end, that the Depressed truly excel. When you break-up with the Depressed, you will sleep the sound sleep of the definitely-not-at-fault. If friends inquire as to _______'s absence, you simply say, "Oh, _______ was just too far gone...", and prepare to receive pats on the back for having taken such a splendidly altruistic project on in the first place. Who hasn't wished for some stroke of magnificent, cosmic intervention, to immediately evaporate into the ether, the newly decreed ex? Only the Depressed are willing to see to this hypo-allergenic type of clean break themselves. When you are completely done, the relationship utterly extinguished, finally and for good, no more break-up fucks, even, what could be more convenient, than an ex who actually does roll over and die? At the very least, an attempted suicide should keep them off the market and out from underfoot for the forseeable future. Just be sure to change your locks, before you break the news.

Once you start dating the Depressed, your dancecard will be full till kingdom come. In fact, you may never again go to the bother of attempting to attract healthy, upbeat individuals. After all, it's nice to take a breather from a life of fresh air, hot food, live music and social interaction, and spent hours in bed, waiting for your boyfriend or girlfriend to wake up for your daily two and a half hours of face time. Seen from the proper perspective, the Depressed are just little vacations waiting to whisk you away from your own troubles and concerns. Remember, they're everywhere. So, catch your Love Boat, tonight! Now boarding at The Matador, Satyricon, The Space Room, Dante's...