Ed. Note: You may remember Goofus and Gallant from Highlights for Children, the delightful magazine which was stacked up by the dozen at your pediatrician's office. Well, they're all grown up now and ready to handle your most difficult questions about how to conduct yourself in the new millenium.

Dear G&G,

My wife is always dropping hints that she would like to take a"real" vacation. Sure, I've been able to go to Las Vegas once and have even looked into Branson, but frankly I cannot afford the Bahamas just now. I love her dearly and hate to disappoint her. What should I do?
Lovesick in Des Moines

Gallant Writes:

Your poor letter really moves me, dear sir. I think that your romantic soul is tied in knots by your admirable restraint. It is indeed a quandary! My suggestion: go to the corner drugstore and purchase a few travel magazines (they may even have last month's issue in the back that can be had for pennies on the dollar!" Take a few minutes and cut out a collage of all the lovliest locations and wrap it around a big gallon pickle jar. Give this to her, saying that you will put every spare cent you make into it so that soon you'll be able to take that romantic cruise! It gives you a goal, a tool and a way of showing your good intentions to your sweet spouse!

Goofus writes;

Jesus, fathead, what the hell is your problem? You can dish that whining by saying something like, "Hell, like I wanna see YOU in a bikini??" or "Gee, honey, I can't take you because me and my hot secretary are going on a BUISNESS TRIP together! You can also tell her it's a lot colder in Des Moines if you can't pay the fuckin' HEAT, so she better get off her fat ass and refill your bourbon! Fuckin' pathetic.

Goofus and Gallant will take your questions at:ask@barflymag.com