by Jen Lane

If you've been a faithful "Drinking and Driving" devotee, then you might remember the column I wrote last year about Portland men and the various disappointments associated with them. Well, while significant strides have been made since then, (especially in the drink-buying department, I'm happy to report), I feel that there is still considerable room for improvement in my northwest neighbors of the opposite sex. It seems as if there are many (or at least a few, or two or three, or maybe just one, but that 's all I need) of you out there who would like to date me, or someone like me, but for some reason are unable to close the deal, as it were. So I've come up with this handy guide to hooking up with my kind, suitable for laminating and keeping in the wallet for future reference. You never know when you might meet me, or someone like me, so you'll want to be prepared, just in case.

Before we begin, we should define our terms. "Girls like me" (aka "Weï") refer to women who generally refer to themselves as girls, although they are really far too old to do so with a straight face any longer. These girls are usually somewhere around the age of thirty, gainfully employed in some profession they feel mildly excited by, have a fair number of friends with whom they do a fair amount of drinking with on a fairly regular basis, and are most likely to own a car which they may use on a regular basis to make pilgrimages to IKEA, the coast, or Mt Hood. During these drives they often muse that they don't really need a boyfriend to have fun, look how much fun they're having by themselves right now, but gee, it might be nice to have someone with which to share the scintillating bits of wit they produce extemporaneously on long trips like these. Not to mention someone to haul the new flat-packed "Billy" bookcases to the car for them. Girls like me often have the following questions directed at them: "Are you seeing anyone?"and "Why not?" Apparently, it is not immediately apparent why they are continuously single, which gives rise to a fleeting feeling of satisfaction at knowing that they are not (yet) obviously defective in some way, as certain members of their families and close friends seem to find their perpetual single status an enduring mystery, indeed. In fact, girls like me generally have enough self-esteem and self-confidence to not devote a whole lot of their time, which is generally spent happily enough in their own company, to bemoaning their boyfriendless condition. That is, until officially-sanctioned loneliness-inducing "holidays�, like New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day, roll around and remind them that although they might gamely hostess fabulous parties at these times, they could really do with an equally fabulous host by their side, and really, what are they doing but simply sublimating, Martha Stewart style, a small portion of the sexual energy that has gone unspent during an absurdly long celibacy?

The other term we will be using is "you�. "You� refers to any eligible bachelors within our readership. An "eligible bachelor"is defined as a man who is not either married, living with someone, dating someone we know, secretly still in love with his ex-girlfriend, or gay. Furthermore, an eligible bachelor is not anywhere close to being old enough to be our father, his brother, or anyone of his generation. An eligible bachelor will, like us, have gainful employment, a working (motorized) vehicle of some kind, the ability to hold his liquor, plenty of cute friends we can get in touch with if things don't work out, and his own room, with a bed, preferably equipped with sheets and not supported on one end by a stack of "Juggs"magazines. As an eligible bachelor, you should also fall into our layer of the social strata. That is, no hippies, suburban yuppies (urban yuppies may be considered, but only under certain circumstances, like having jobs that yield fabulous, shareable perks like free dinners at expensive restaurants, etc.), illiterate day laborers, serious Christians, card-carrying Republicans, successful rock musicians or practicing pagans.

Terms sufficiently defined, we are ready to begin. Picking up a girl like me can be easy for you if you follow these helpful instructions. First, you should realize that girls like me can be approached, even spoken to, in places like bars and parties. It is best if you do not speak to us outside of these venues, as we will probably write you off as a desperate loser, and/or, not be sufficiently liquored up enough to engage in conversation with you. When you approach us, it is best if you do so bearing a gift of some kind. A gin and tonic, a small plate of hors d'oeuvres, a newly minted twenty, just some small token of possible affection will go a long way towards ingratiating yourself with us. Next, you should introduce yourself and make every effort to remember our name when we give it. You should then begin a series of what are known as "open-ended questions�, which will give us the opportunity to go on at great length about ourselves, while you sit with an expression of rapt attention and interrupt us only long enough to say "Go on." [An important side note: If we are in the company of another girl when you approach, we will think much more highly of you if you are polite and inclusive of this woman, and do nothing to make her feel as if she is the maiden aunt of the prom queen, such as by pointedly excluding her from conversation, insinuating your back into her face, nudging her and making lascivious remarks about our "rack"when we are in the ladies' room, etc. This bad behavior is unfortunately all too common, and doesn't do anything to enhance your image in our ever-watchful eyes.] If we are standing during this time, it would behove you to excuse yourself long enough to find us, or at least me, a chair or something else to sit on, as we get rather tired of standing, smoking, drinking and talking all at the same time. Plus, this earns you bonus points which may be instrumental in leapfrogging a possible blow job from the distant future to the near meanwhile. If we run out of our beverage during our conversation, it is in your best interest, and will award you even more bonus points, if you see to its refilling. Same for lighting of cigarettes, etc.

At some point in the evening, even we will tire of talking exclusively about ourselves and it is at this point that you should be ready with some witty accounting of your own travails. You may wish to begin by complimenting us on some aspect of our appearance, or by reiterating some point that we brought up earlier, and simply expounding upon that, which is quite a compliment in itself. If you can work some positive, pro-cat statements into your monologue, we will commence thinking about bringing you home with us that night. Under no circumstances should you make any reference to your sexual prowess, or anatomical dimensions, as we prefer to make these evaluations independently, and you are probably misinformed, anyway. You can blow the whole deal at any time by referring to the vast amount of dough you still owe your ex-girlfriend, the fact that you think buying flowers is a "waste of money�, or that two dollars is far too much to spend on a single drink. If you appear to be least bit skint, tight or broke, we will immediately dismiss you as a reincarnation of our deadbeat ex-boyfriend.

If we are still sitting in front of you approximately one half-hour subsequent to your initial approach, you may take heart in that we may well be developing an interest in you. If we are still there in another hour, you are cleared for landing. It is at this time that you should make a clear indication of your interest. Asking us to lunch the next day is advised. You should give us your phone number and tell us to call you around a certain time so that we don't have to hem and haw about phoning too early and seeming pathetic. You should then be home to receive our call, and have a few itineraries ready for our choosing. You should pay for our meal, and we should pay for drinks, or some other auxillary activity, should there be one, as a gesture of good faith. And should we invite you into our home, you should take great care to greet each of our cats with a discernible level of enthusiasm, and then settle yourself onto the middle of the couch or follow us into the kitchen, as either action we know to be interpretable as wanting to kiss us. However, before you do, there should be some admiring noises made by you concerning our decorating scheme, CD selection, etc. After approximately fifteen minutes of idle chatter, you should elucidate your intentions clearly, as we don't like to chance making foolish assumptions and looking silly, even though we're quite sure that you would really like to kiss us. At this point you should plant one on us. Subsequent to this action, we will direct all forward movement. And perhaps, if you've racked up enough bonus points...

--First printed in The Rocket, c. 1998.

Someone wrote about how to pick up a milf