Either you love it or hate it. There is no in between or gray area where you can hide with your middle-of-the-road opinion. Some people would rather chew off their own feet than hear it spoken of. And then, there will always be legions of rabid, tooth-gnashing fans to lift it high on the shoulders of fame and glory. None of you have any idea what I’m talking about, do you? I’m not spouting off about the word “panties” or “moist”, which for some reason every woman seems to detest. No, not even close. Today, we’re looking dead on at one of the world’s most detested or celebrated condiments: mayonnaise.
I met a girl recently who floored me with the simple statement: “I LOVE mayo!” Not just love, I should say. She has four jars in her fridge that she cherishes and checks on in the middle of the night to make sure there’s been no spoilage or contamination with bits of tuna. When the fridge stopped working, she put them in the freezer. They will stay there, frozen cryogenically like Howard Hughes, until the repairman can come and make the nest cool again.
The first question I asked myself when confronted with this odd behavior was simply why on earth anyone would like it so much? Are there other people in the world who walk into the kitchen in the morning, make coffee, reach for a spoon and lovingly tap the side of the Duke’s jar? Umm. Yes. Many. Welcome to the World of Mayonnaise, and those who love it. The slightly creepy and very british-brand centric site world-of-mayo.com (for complete URL, please see end) pretty much illustrates the passion with which these egg-white and oil fanatics live their lives. Sure, there’s the obligatory taste-testing and brand review, but one of my favorite things in the world is great works of art. I like them even more when people add condiments. So, if we look in the gallery of mayo, we’ll see a very famous painting by one Adriaen Brouwer called, what else, “The Bitter Draught.”
And bitter the detractors are! Great googely-moogely. I’m on the right side of the fence on this one; I adore the creamy goodness of mayo. I eat it on French fries. I put it on sammies. If there were a way to make a dessert out of mayo, chocolate and peanuts, I would be forced to buy stock in angioplasty machines. But there are those who just can’t dig on the smooth jazz that is mayonnaise. There’s even a girl out there who hates everything. From her list at brookenelson.blogspot.com, it’s clear that she not only hates mayo, but also fucking alone, attractive teachers, Chinese buffets and, perhaps most tellingly, deodorant.
Now we’ve been over the many sides of mayophilia and mayophobia, but deodorant?! Man, this is the SUMMER, lady. If it weren’t for the magic aerosol can I keep in my bathroom, my parents would disown me, my roommate would leave without paying the bills and my dates would have to occur within 15 minutes of showering. I would venture to say that it’s just plain un-American to not like deodorant. Hippy.
I was so baffled by her list that I started looking up reasons why anyone could not like deodorant. Sure, the ozone layer is wilting and the aluminum in most anti-perspirants can eventually turn your skin into a wasteland of skin tags and clogged pores, but c’mon people! Smelling good ain’t no vain pastime for the silver spoons. Next time I get that email about how deodorant causes cancer of the lady berries, at least I’ll know that it doesn’t, because I went to trendmicro.com/hoax and looked it up. And I think that Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe email was a hoax too, as was the “Man Without a Face” email. Actually, that one was about Mel Gibson and it was written by some God folks who really enjoyed the Jesus movie with all the blood and evil Jewish people. Hippies. Although, Jesus was alright in my book. He made oil from the temple into mayo…and that’s pretty badass. But, according to thefakenews.com/passion, it killed him:
“John 18:30 - “And Judas Iscariot, a trusted disciple of Christ offered up to him a ham and cheese sandwich, with lettuce and mayonnaise. And Jesus saw that it was good. “But Judas, I cannot eat this. There are carbs.” And verily Judas waved his hand in front of Christ’s face and said, “these are not the carbs you speak of. This is a fish fillet.” And Jesus’ eyes were clouded by the hand of Satan working through the traitor Judas. And he ate. And the skies opened and the clouds came forth and later Jesus had a heart attack, slipped on some ice and died.”
Now, we all know that Jesus had one of those hearts that catches fire, so the heart attack bit is a little far-fetched. Besides, there are enough of those gospels out there proclaiming what Jesus did and what Jesus didn’t do and how he wore his hair. Some of them even get as detailed as to what kinds of foods he invented. We all know the loaves and fishes story that’s crammed down every 5-year-old’s throat in cinderblock rooms at sweltering Baptist compounds while the parents are at home having unholy sex. Sorry. But how many of you have ever read the Gospel of Debbie? Paul Rudnick outlines it nicely at newyorker.com.
And lo, there you have it. Jesus made the world a much better place by bringing us a confusing second edition of the bible, extreme sports and canapés. Those of you who still have doubts, well, it’s understandable. I would imagine that if he had the technology he would have pressurized aluminum by-products and done something about those abhorrently stinky Romans. He may have even thought to invent the Internet, but Al Gore got to it before he could make it down here for the conference. At the very least, though…he loved mayonnaise. This we can rest assured of, because, well, only smelly hippies would eat a lobster canapé without aioli.