There are a million stories in the naked city, and some of our favorites have been recorded for posterity in the "Incident Report Logs" most every bar keeps. Most of them are dry accounts of who puked, got into a fight, or was 86'd. By contrast, The Matador's book is just as juicy fresh as can be. Read on…

3/13 It began like any other rainy Thursday at the Matador. Can of Hamms, PBR, can of Hamms, PBR, PBR, b.j. under the pool table. Nothing out of the ordinary. But then, it happened, and I knew I would be forever changed. It all happened so fast, but I will do my best to remember and share this traumatizing incident with you…

Seated at the end of the bar closest to the front door was the elitist group of John**, Chris, a man with a large mouth, and the one known as "Mike", a.k.a. "Michael". The 4 men were playfully arguing over who was wearing the cutest shoes, when almost undetected, the strange dark shadow of a man that we call "Bobby", crept through the front door. The room fell silent, the 4 men became fidgety in their barstools. Eyes shifted from me, to the clock, to Bobby. A few grumbles were exchanged between the group and Bobby. Suddenly, like a frightened swan descending upon an icy pond, The Michael raced through the bar with fist clenched, aimed right at Bobby's head! With reflexes like a fox, Bobby dodged the angry fist, and escaped this traumatic episode untouched. I believe the man with the large mouth was the initial rabble-rouser, though I guess that doesn't really matter. We are all still here. We survived Thursday, March 13th. GOD BLESS THE MATADOR!
-Szar Face

3/14 Someone tripped over Dick Ford's dog, AGAIN! Second time this week. The dog is now 86'd.

3/19 God shit in the toilet. He/She is 86'd. Nothing happened.

3/23 Figured all was going great until Szar Szar decided that "The Ted Bundy Story" would be a suitable film to show to the PG-only would-be V.I.P.s slaking their livers @ 6:00. Damn movie cleared the bar—probably cuz that Ted sorta looks like lawyer/consultant Alex Hamalian, sans 30lbs, when he wears that bowtie. Scary! Szar Szar also pointed out that I was wearing the same shirt as Ted in one scene. Anyway, the bloodlust raged in the veins (& livers) of the regs, so they streamed out, doubtless to terrorize sorority chicks whilst they pillowfight in tightie whitie nighties. Well, it brought it out a bit in us, too, cuz we simulated bludgeoning each other to death several times. But, all in good fun, kids! Anyhow, once Ted got fried, all blissed out. It was peace & love from that point on, brothers & sisters. Kick out the jams, motherfuckers! So, that's what happened. No problems, 'cept we shut off some punk rock girl who had too many wrongaritas. Do you wanna be part of the problem, or do you wanna be the solution?
-Brother J.C. Crawford

3/30 IRAQ AND ROLL ALL NIGHT. Showed "Full Metal Jacket." Told everyone it was the news. "I'm in a world of shit!" —repeated that quote throughout the morning.
No problems, just tears.

4/1 Showed "Apocalypse Now," gave all the regulars 'Nam flashbacks. "CHARLIE! CHARLIE!!!"
No real problems.

4/12 I I.D.'d a kid & he gave me a funny-looking Maine I.D. It said he was from "Concord, Maine." I said, "Where's Concord?" He said, "Maine."
Me: "Yeah, but where in Maine?"
Him: "In the middle."
Me: "What town's it near?"
Him: "Portland."
Me: "Portland's on the coast."
Him: "It's a small state."

I gave him the I.D. back without taking a drink order from him, knowing Maine isn't that small: about 3/4 the size of Oregon. I call my girlfriend at home & she looks in an atlas & says she can't find Concord. I say, "Thanks, Beautiful," and call 411 & try to place a call to "Reggie Jackson" in Concord, Maine. The operator says there's no town in Maine called Concord, so I take the phone to the kid & the operator tells him the same thing. The kid looks a little bewildered, and I say, "So? Where are you from?" He & his buddies then get up fast and leave, forgetting their 'Stars Cabaret VIP Card'. YES!! y Ahren

4/14 Dietz shit his pants. (His pants are 86'd.)

4/18 W_____ P______ was dancing to Duran Duran. Very close to 86'd.

5/2 I made an enchilada for the first time in, like, 5 months. They're so good! Have you tried one? Mmmmm! I also opened a can of "cheese sauce" that has been in here for longer than I've worked here. Mmmm! Have you tried it? Probably not, because I just opened it. But definitely eat it, because it is GOOD! Also, Szar Szar was brilliant, pinch-hitting for the Queen. Her golden mane shimmered in the misty spring afterglow as I took her astride and led her into the stultifying depths of Operation Enduring Matador. Though previously unchallenged by the 101st Airborn Joey-Frat-Skate Division, she nobly weathered the fierce and gathering storm to finally strike them down with a ferocious "OUTSKI!" that would make all mortals tremble. VIVA LA IRAQI IDOL! Have you seen the biatch's floors? MMMM! So clean! Get well Queenie, see you this summer! y Ahren

P.S. I think it is spring now because all these biatches are super hard on my jock. HEADS UP DIETZ!

5/19 Good crowd today, a lot of new faces. Nice change. Though a day shift would not be complete without the regular, or should I say, irregular, Burnside parade. Today, I was treated to not one, but two, special guest appearances. First was "Native Pride," a.k.a. "Monty," a.k.a. "85 (almost 86'd)." He came in looking for George, carrying a television remote control in his hand. He didn't try to use it on anyone, perhaps he's trying to change the world one channel at a time. Didn't stay for a drink. Second was the clamchop beauty showcased at the front of our little diary here
Click For Full Size!


. I made sure all my friends and everyone else sitting at the bar saw the photo. I then gave everyone a double shot and handed the show over to Jonny. y Szar

6/1 God cut down every tree, because every nut and squirrel tried to come in.

Have a Log to saw? BarFly wants it! Call or email us at info@barflymag.com or 503.813.9999.

**Some names changed to protect the guilty.