Getting older is not a process of separating fact from fiction: Hell, who knows what’s really true? Who can we believe on the subject of anything? All you can do is figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. And it’s not a pleasant process.
I’ve known many memorable liars in my time: the pudgy ex-groupie who affected a phony British accent while telling me about all the elder statesman rock stars she’d bedded (Jerry Garcia, John Entwistle, Ringo Starr—what, no attractive ones?); my Cousin Bill, whom I’ve written about previously. Among his bigger whoppers was that he’d seen Barbara Eden naked.
But in my opinion, the biggest deceiver of them all is that ol’ devil Conventional Wisdom. You know, time-tested truths, probably coined by Poor Richard or Dr. Johnson or some other powdered-wig jerk, handed down from one crusty relative to the next, until they reach your tender, impressionable ears. And they’re all worthless—just as sure as my middle name is Melvin.
Stand up to a bully and he’ll back down:
No, standing up to a bully will get you a fast punch in the face. Probably more than one. Having been punched in the face myself, I can’t honestly say I recommend it. Standing up to a bully works on the “Andy Griffith Show.” In our glorious Technicolor world, it’s just an engraved invitation to an ass whipping.
Just tell her how you feel:
Nascent relationships, particularly in this town, are like a game of chicken - the first one who flinches, loses. Ninety-nine percent of the time, telling someone that you really like them is about as effective as handing them a turd. For God’s sake, keep your feelings to yourself, wrapped up with duct tape and squirreled away someplace where no one will ever see them. Someday they’ll erupt messily in some highly inappropriate manner, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
A penny saved is
a penny earned:
I’ve got several pounds of pennies at my house. Oddly enough, I derive no comfort from their presence.
Just be yourself:
That’s great advice if you’re witty, confident and interesting. Or tattooed, musically gifted and exude an aura of mystery. Otherwise you’re going to have to improvise. Watch a lot of movies and stitch together a composite personality from characters you admire. I’ve found Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” works pretty well. Do you think anyone ever told Madonna to be herself?
Eat sensibly:
The last study I read concluded that we should eat 10 servings of fruit each day, washed down with 10 glasses of water. What, am I supposed to quit my job or something? C’mon Duke University: Give us some information that actually applies to humans and not to white mice. Does beer count as water?
Persistence pays off:
But not as well as guile. However, even if you finally attain some silly goal you’ve been sweating over (job, lover, car, house), chances are you’ll get no satisfaction from the effort. It’s more likely you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about, and set your sights on the next carrot you deem worthy of chasing. As the Buddha observed, desire leads to suffering. But that’s the kind of epiphany you come up with when your weightiest decision is what kind of tea to drink with your afternoon meditation beneath the bodhi tree.