Aaron Reichenberger is amazingly topical for change. Here, he talks about bars. I don't know if you know what they are, but that is what he is talking about.

I don't ask for much in a drinking establishment. In fact, I am fairly easy to please, and am pretty much always the member of my group of friends who has no objection to any possible destination mentioned throughout the course of any given night. My tastes are simple, as are the characteristics I look for in any given bar. These are:

1. a jukebox
2. dim lighting
3. stiff drinks which don't cost an arm and a leg
4. foxy ladies

Amazingly, even with these near minimalist expectations (the only way I could lower my standards any further would be too only ask for A.) rubbing alcohol and B.) a hole in the ground in which to relieve myself), I am quite often disappointed in whatever drinking establishment I end up wasting a night away in.

I've been trying to figure out why this is lately. Does the problem lie in the bars I'm visiting, or does the problem begin and end with me? I think this is a feeling that some people could sympathize with, but how do we begin to answer this question? How do we get to the heart of this feeling of dissatisfaction and thus ensure that almost every night out will fall under the definition of a "rocking good time?" While this at first may seem like an attempt at tackling a question along the lines of "what is the meaning of life?" Or "If I slept with Tamie first, does that make me dick brothers with Ryan, or does it only mean that Ryan is a dick brother to me?" I'm going to give it my best shot.

First off, let's discuss some tactics in approaching this question, for example maybe one way of ensuring that every night out totally kicks ass would be to simply get as drunk as possible at every location you venture to. This might work because, let's face it, getting drunk is generally a good time, and that's why people do it. Whether you are seeking a good time to escape from some kind of cruel reality, or whether you are looking for a good time because your life is currently boring, drinking is a socially accepted method of having a good time. So by this logic, drinking to the point of being drunker than a skunk should technically make whatever locale the boozing is occurring at a good one. This reasoning fails though for a reason I call The beer goggle corollary. Let me explain: For those of you not in "the know" (and I am assuming that if you are visiting a website like this, you most certainly do know what beer goggles are all about) beer goggles are a common term for the effect alcohol has on one's reasoning behind the act of making out with a nasty skank. Beer goggles typically occur, and the exact amount all depends on the person and their individual alcohol tolerance, after a person has consumed enough alcohol to leave a place I like to call "reality" and enter into a realm many people would call fantasy land. Fantasy land is a magical place where every woman is beautiful and all of them think you are charming. Even more incredibly, the more alcohol you drink leads to a proportional increase in the attractiveness of the women surrounding you, along with a similar increase in your charm. In reality though, the women are not all beautiful, and most likely the drunker you get, the more annoyingly obnoxious you become. This is where the aforementioned nasty skank comes in. The nasty skank is currently the only known species which is attracted to the type of individual who exhibits this sort of behavior. The reason they are the only people alive attracted to this type of individual, is that typically the only type of person who is attracted to the nasty skank is the person who has drank so much that they are effectively wearing a pair of beer goggles.

Now, let me be clear about one thing: The reason I know so much about beer goggles is because I have worn them, and this has happened more than once. I am not judging those who wear beer goggles, which would make me a hypocrite. What I am doing is making the point (albeit in a very roundabout fashion) that just because you are drunk to the point that a 200lb skank looks like a slightly curvy playmate, it doesn't actually make her one. This normally becomes apparent the morning after wearing a pair of beer goggles, otherwise known as "waking to the sound of the howling dog." What this beer goggle example teaches us, is that just because you drink to the point where a bar seems like it is the newest incarnation of CBGB's in the 60's, doesn't actually make it so. This is why the approach of getting as tanked as possible to ensure your night rocks most hardly is ultimately a flawed one, and in the end all you are doing is drinking to the point where you are simply lying to yourself.

Another approach we can take is too only go to bars we know to be up to our standards. This seems like a fairly obvious and straightforward approach to take, but like the tactic described above, it fails and here is why. Let's say you have a favorite pair of underwear (and be honest, everybody has a favorite pair of underwear, mine are my cotton Tommy Hilfigers. They are super comfy and make my ass look sublime.) Now, as with everything that achieves favorite status it often gains quite a prominent role in our lifestyle routines. With a favorite pair of underwear this might mean that you clean and wear them once a week (most likely on the weekend, say Friday or Saturday night to give you that little boost in confidence they so excellently provide.) With a favorite bar it could be something similar, a visit once a week on the weekends, or, depending on how big of an alcoholic you are, maybe even three to four times a week. This is where the problem with only going to our favorite bars occurs.

With our favorite pair of underwear a heavy rotation of weekly use ultimately dooms it to a singular fate, and this is the fate of finally wearing out. For men, this means the crotch gets thin and possibly, because of one or two awful occurrences, the appearance of the dreaded skid marks. I regularly fear the day I look down and see a skid mark next to a giant gaping hole in the crotch of my favorite Hilfigers. Similarly, I fear the day when I walk into the Black Cat Tavern and discover that I just don't find it to be a fun place to booze anymore. This is what happens when we overuse or overdo something, it loses that aspect which made it special in the first place. This is why the tactic of only going to bars which we know to rock is a flawed strategy, and why it is essential to constantly seek out new venues in which to become intoxicated. Everything will eventually become old news, but there is no sense in hurrying that process along by overdoing it.

So what are we to do? According to the reasoning laid out here we shouldn't overcompensate the fact that we are trapped in a shitty bar with an increase in alcohol consumption. On top of that, we shouldn't visit our favorite places too much, because we might end up hating them in the end. So, what in the hell are we supposed to do? For one, I think research is key. Website's like the one you are currently visiting is a decent place to start. But, so as not to seem like a shameless plugger, beyond www.barflymag.com, I am sure there are plenty of other internet sources from which to garner an unbiased opinion on what you can expect from just about any bar. I just don't happen to know the names of any of these sites off the top of my head. Because in the end they're not as rad as this site, and I don't like to settle for a weak opinion when I can get a perfectly wise one right here at home. Local publications are also a good source for the scoop on what's what at any given bar. Word of mouth is also a very good, and readily available, source for info on various bars. But a word to the wise, be wary of hype bars. These are bars that for one reason or another get tons of street cred, when in reality you could have the experience you end up having there by throwing $50 in a paper shredder while drinking a bottle of cheap rum and leafing through a victoria secret catalog in the comfort of your own home (think Doug Fir.)

IN the end, there is no universal answer or solution to the question I posed earlier. All we can do as professional drinkers is to understand exactly what it is that we look for in a bar, do our homework to find out which bars meet these descriptions, and then give them a try. It's this way with everything in life, you'll never really know the answer to any problem until you try and figure it out. Now, if someone could just tell me whether or not I'm Ryan's dick brother I might finally be able to get some goddamn sleep at night.