With Friends Like These - PortlandBarFly.com
By Anne Marie DiStefano
My mission: to watch every possible episode of "Friends" for an entire week (an average of 1.7 times a day), and record the results.
Day One: Sat., July 22
7pm: I'm watching the show right now. In this episode, Chandler and Ross think their friend "Gandalf, the party wizard" is coming to town, but they're wrong! Meanwhile, Rachel is trying to get a promotion. Monica and Phoebe buy a van for their catering business.
This episode is kind of depressing. The guys realize they don't like to party anymore because they're 29-years-old, while Monica fucks over Phoebe to get a "real" job. Rachel, callously, is only upset about her supervisor's death because it nixes her promotion.
I'm worried about tomorrow: Sunday is a sad and empty day for the "Friends"-watcher.
Day Two: Sun., July 23
Today, I did not watch "Friends." I feel clearheaded and in control. Did I invent this experiment as a pretext to accelerate what was already a malignant habit? Maybe by the end of this week I will be in too deep. This could all end with my tragic purchasing of a Friends T-shirt from NBC.com.
Day Three: Mon., July 24
7pm: Rachel gets a tattoo, Monica tells her parents about her relationship with Richard (Tom Selleck) and Joey decides to move into his own apartment. At the end, Chandler was very sad. Very depressing.
Chandler is my favorite, the most negative and cynical one. I used to think he had the least personality (actually, that would be Rachel). Then I saw the episode where the crazy old man who lives downstairs (Mr. Heckles) dies. Chandler stays up all night going through the guy's old yearbooks and stuff. That was pretty cool of him. 11pm: This is getting confusing. Today Monica was seeing Richard (Tom Selleck), but tonight she's celebrating her 10-month anniversary with Chandler. Meanwhile, at 7, Rachel and Ross were together, but at 11, they talked about having broken up two years ago. Weird!
Day Four: Tues., July 25
7pm: Shit! I fell asleep. I just woke up in time to see the last little bit where everyone is in the coffee shop and they all sing "Smelly Cat" together.
I used to think Phoebe was supposed to be "the stupid one." Then I had the golden realization: They're all the stupid one.
11pm: On my god! The very first episode! This is crucial exposition. And everyone's hair looks really weird. Oh my god, I can't believe Rachel didn't even invite Monica to her wedding, and now she's glomming on to all Monica's friends.
Day Five: Wed., July 26
7pm: This is really gross. Monica and Rachel are in the bathroom arguing over the last condom while Richard (Tom Selleck) and Ross wait outside. I have a hangover today and the commercials are really harshing me out.
11pm: They make fun of "Three's Company."
Day Six: Thurs., July 27
Sorry I wasn't more eloquent yesterday, but I really did have a bad headache.
7pm: The kids are not at their best today. The girls read a woman's empowerment best seller, which causes them to act foolishly! Ross is being a jerk to Joey and Joey's vocabulary is magically increased by word-of-the-day toilet paper. So, a large vocabulary is some kind of annoying freak disease that you get in the bathroom?
Chandler's problems with his psycho roommate are a refreshing subplot.
8pm: This is it: prime time! In this episode, Ross goes on a date with Rachel's sister. Rachel is freaked out. I think she still has feelings for Ross!
10:50pm: What happens to a person who watches three episodes of "Friends" in one day? We're about to find out.
11pm: OK, can I just say: Those girls are really skinny! Like when Chandler tries to show Joey how to smoke for an acting job; that would be me trying to show Courtney Cox how to eat pizza convincingly.
Now Chandler's smoking in his little tiny blue cubicle at work! He's so fine! He would never go for me, though, I'm way too chubby.
Day Seven: Fri., July 28
7pm: Oh my god, this theme song really drives me nuts. Synthetic clapping sounds?
1am: Perhaps I have failed. I missed the final episode of my regimen. My favorite bar is closing down. I decided it was more important to go drink a farewell scotch, than to watch yet another moronic fucking episode of "Friends." I saw the trailer, and it was the one where Rachel and Ross first kiss. Screw that! I'm glad I finally got my priorities straight.
My mission: to watch every possible episode of "Friends" for an entire week (an average of 1.7 times a day), and record the results.
Day One: Sat., July 22
7pm: I'm watching the show right now. In this episode, Chandler and Ross think their friend "Gandalf, the party wizard" is coming to town, but they're wrong! Meanwhile, Rachel is trying to get a promotion. Monica and Phoebe buy a van for their catering business.
This episode is kind of depressing. The guys realize they don't like to party anymore because they're 29-years-old, while Monica fucks over Phoebe to get a "real" job. Rachel, callously, is only upset about her supervisor's death because it nixes her promotion.
I'm worried about tomorrow: Sunday is a sad and empty day for the "Friends"-watcher.
Day Two: Sun., July 23
Today, I did not watch "Friends." I feel clearheaded and in control. Did I invent this experiment as a pretext to accelerate what was already a malignant habit? Maybe by the end of this week I will be in too deep. This could all end with my tragic purchasing of a Friends T-shirt from NBC.com.
Day Three: Mon., July 24
7pm: Rachel gets a tattoo, Monica tells her parents about her relationship with Richard (Tom Selleck) and Joey decides to move into his own apartment. At the end, Chandler was very sad. Very depressing.
Chandler is my favorite, the most negative and cynical one. I used to think he had the least personality (actually, that would be Rachel). Then I saw the episode where the crazy old man who lives downstairs (Mr. Heckles) dies. Chandler stays up all night going through the guy's old yearbooks and stuff. That was pretty cool of him. 11pm: This is getting confusing. Today Monica was seeing Richard (Tom Selleck), but tonight she's celebrating her 10-month anniversary with Chandler. Meanwhile, at 7, Rachel and Ross were together, but at 11, they talked about having broken up two years ago. Weird!
Day Four: Tues., July 25
7pm: Shit! I fell asleep. I just woke up in time to see the last little bit where everyone is in the coffee shop and they all sing "Smelly Cat" together.
I used to think Phoebe was supposed to be "the stupid one." Then I had the golden realization: They're all the stupid one.
11pm: On my god! The very first episode! This is crucial exposition. And everyone's hair looks really weird. Oh my god, I can't believe Rachel didn't even invite Monica to her wedding, and now she's glomming on to all Monica's friends.
Day Five: Wed., July 26
7pm: This is really gross. Monica and Rachel are in the bathroom arguing over the last condom while Richard (Tom Selleck) and Ross wait outside. I have a hangover today and the commercials are really harshing me out.
11pm: They make fun of "Three's Company."
Day Six: Thurs., July 27
Sorry I wasn't more eloquent yesterday, but I really did have a bad headache.
7pm: The kids are not at their best today. The girls read a woman's empowerment best seller, which causes them to act foolishly! Ross is being a jerk to Joey and Joey's vocabulary is magically increased by word-of-the-day toilet paper. So, a large vocabulary is some kind of annoying freak disease that you get in the bathroom?
Chandler's problems with his psycho roommate are a refreshing subplot.
8pm: This is it: prime time! In this episode, Ross goes on a date with Rachel's sister. Rachel is freaked out. I think she still has feelings for Ross!
10:50pm: What happens to a person who watches three episodes of "Friends" in one day? We're about to find out.
11pm: OK, can I just say: Those girls are really skinny! Like when Chandler tries to show Joey how to smoke for an acting job; that would be me trying to show Courtney Cox how to eat pizza convincingly.
Now Chandler's smoking in his little tiny blue cubicle at work! He's so fine! He would never go for me, though, I'm way too chubby.
Day Seven: Fri., July 28
7pm: Oh my god, this theme song really drives me nuts. Synthetic clapping sounds?
1am: Perhaps I have failed. I missed the final episode of my regimen. My favorite bar is closing down. I decided it was more important to go drink a farewell scotch, than to watch yet another moronic fucking episode of "Friends." I saw the trailer, and it was the one where Rachel and Ross first kiss. Screw that! I'm glad I finally got my priorities straight.
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