Posted on Thursday, December 8, 2005 by gina

I have only had one real catastrophe since moving into my apartment....

I have one of those front doors that if you turn the knob from the inside, unless you purposely make a point to unlock the lock before shutting the door from the outside it will continue to be locked, hence locking you out of your apartment...

So in between laundry trips as I meander up and down my 3 flights of stairs to my garage, I decide I want to take a break, have a smoke on my porch and talk to my friend on my cell phone

I make my way...phone in hand, delighted and totally anxious for my nicotine fix that I don't even think about the door lock and the fact that I don't have my house keys on me...

And as we finish our conversation, I grab the doorknob to let myself in and realize that I am locked out, in flip flops, a not so warm coat, and no bra nor underwear on under my light cotton comfy lounge dress

It was starting to get dark outside, and this being the Pacific NW, it tends to be freezing beyond humanly tolorable to my California raised bones

So I call my landlord, who happens to live just a block away from me and end up having to leave a message that I am locked out of my place and if he happens to get home within the next hour it would be great if he could let me in....

So on the porch I sit.....and wait......and call a few friends and complain about my dilemma, and try to pass the time because I'm tired....and really just want to go to bed.....and it's a little irritating because I'm really fucking cold.....and I'm tired.....and I really want a shower....oh and did I mention I was tired?

So I get impatient, because my landlord has mentioned to me in the past that sometimes he does not get off work until midnight and I start to panic and think I will be trapped on my stairs, and by that time I will have frozen to death, or have had to fall asleep on my porch

And that's when I decide to call a locksmith....

Now mind you I have no phone book......nor a pen to write down any information with, so I put my trust in 411 to direct me to the nearest locksmith in SE Portland from where I live

They find me one called Action Locksmith on SE Yamhill and I get connected.....

"Hi, please come save me, I am locked out of my apartment!"

"Uhh.....ok, where are you at?"

"I'm at **** SE ****, which if you are on Yamhill, it isn't very far from you."

"Ok well unfortunately, there will be about a half hour wait until I can get there."

"Well, that's fine I guess," I reply. "Oh but another question, exactly how much will this cost?"

So he proceeds to inquire about the style of lock I have on my front door and gives me a quote of 79$.

Now mind you, hearing this price doesn't make me very happy inside. I mean, I'm not very rich to begin with and having to spend 79$ on something as stupid as unlocking a door irritates me even further.

"Well, what if during that half hour of waiting, my landlord calls and says that he can get me into my apartment?" I ask because honestly, I don't really want to pay 79$.

But his reply is a very stern.

"We don't take cancellations."

"Ok," I sigh, "go ahead and come on out then."

So this is when the motherfucker gets an attitude with me.

"I'm sorry but I get the feeling that your landlord is going to show up and you are going to try to get out of it."

"Well I told you to come out didn't I? I mean, I have you on the phone, you don't take cancellations, so just come out then!"

"How are you going to pay for this?" he asks me.

"With a credit card."

"Ok well can I get that number from you right now then?"

"Uh sir, I don't think you understand. I am LOCKED OUT of my house. Everything I own is inside, including my credit card information. As soon as I get into my apartment I can give you the number and pay for it ok."

"I still think you are going to try to get out of it."

Now this is when I get really pissed! I have told the guy to come out. I am willing to pay him the 79 dollars it takes to unlock my stupid fucking front door, I will tell my landlord that he can rest away all snug in his house if he calls me in the meantime while I sit and wait for the locksmith since he won't take cancellations.

And I just let him have it....

"LISTEN DO YOU WANT MY 79 BUCKS OR NOT?"

His reply.....

"No, I don't think so....."

And then he hung up on me!

I became totally livid.....

Not only was I still locked out, cold, tired and helpless, but the one company who is supposed to come to my rescue has completely abandoned me on my front porch.

I called 411, two more times to try to find another locksmith and one of them didn't have a technician available, while the other one didn't even answer the phone.

So I had to hang out until my landlord got home to let me in.

He arrived 30 minutes later, key in hand and laughing at me because I had such bad luck with the locksmith situation.

So needless to say, I am making a spare key, the locksmith lost out on 79$ of my hard earned dollars and I am filing a report with the Better Business Bureau of Oregon on his cocky fucking ass

Don't fuck with me you key slinging, van drivin' think you're so tough guy.....

I USE BRASS KNUCKLES