Man, ya know how sometimes you get laid off from your lame-ass job last summer and at the time that it happens, it seems like the greatest thing in the world? Like maybe it's gonna be a fantastic turn of events that allows you to collect some unemployment checks, and devote your now ample free time to creative endeavors? And you're also gonna get out of that lame group house you'd been living in, get into shape, maybe go out on some great back-country camping trips, start updating your Barfly sports blog with regularity, and maybe even make your mother proud by finally taking the time to pursue a career in your actual collegiate field of study?? Ya know how that sometimes happens and you find yourself all ready to proclaim this the “Summer of George!” and let the sweet & succulent juices of your newly fulfilling life drip down your chin?!?

But then ya know how sometimes also you remember that the SOG didn't actually go so hot, and you're fast coming to the debt-riddled realization that the unemployment checks pay for shit, and the most “creative endeavor” you've undertaken thusfar is an ongoing attempt to see how many beers you can drink in a day? (I seem to top out at about 8 Hamm's tall boys – or roughly 1/3 of what I could drink 15 years ago, sadly.) Not only that, but you're not actually moved into your own place, but rather living in a tiny room out in Beaverton that you're renting from a friend who's also broke & unemployed (and just FYI – if you should happen to find yourself broke & unemployed, I'd probably recommend not moving into a 750 square foot single level home with another broke & unemployed guy and two dogs. Just a suggestion.) And not only that, but you're now in the worst shape of your life, you've still not been back-country camping since you were in the goddamned cub-scouts, you update your blog less than this guy, and you're beginning to suspect your own mother actually hates you?

Anyway, don't ya just HATE it when that happens?

So anyway, I'd been meaning to post something here for the past eight months or so. And now with NCAA basketball tournaments happening, NBA & NHL playoffs approaching, baseball people doing their thing, the NFL draft looming, and Tiger Woods getting ready to bury his balls in a bunch of different holes (pun intended), I figured I'd finally make it happen.

And hey! -- what’s our great state’s unemployment rate up to these days? Last I’d heard, it was hovering around, I believe, 13%, though they say that may not be entirely accurate, as many people have given up even looking for work and, as such, are no longer being counted among the unemployed. Based on the people I know, I’d guess the ACTUAL figure is much closer to 70%. Yay, us, eh?

Anyway, apparently not everyone is in this same boat (sinking though it may be) and some of us even have out-of-state siblings who remain productive in their vocational endeavors. Like my own brother, who remains dutifully employed back in Baltimore. Though I've no idea what his actual job title is (I think he's in advertising. Or a barber. Or a motorcycle racer in the Indian Wall of Death), he recently forwarded me this list of items detailing “what constitutes a great sports bar environment” that he & a co-worker apparently spent an entire workday afternoon compiling, and that he thought I might enjoy or be able to use as a blog post. It’s neither a perfect, nor a complete list, and you may even recall my earlier claims to have no real use for self-proclaimed “sports bars”, though I did find the list to be interesting, thought provoking, and blog post worthy (admittedly the standards are set pretty low on the latter issue.)

Please feel free to offer up your own amendments and/or suggestions for what may constitute such a wonderful place, and please also let me know if you've found some place that seems to hit most of his (or your own) criteria. And enjoy what may arguable be the most exciting month in sports.

1. Sound for the game is ON, NOT shitty music. Not even good music.

2. Enough TV’s that they don’t bitch if you want to watch an out-of-town game somewhere in the bar

3. Availability to a bookie

4. ESPN Sports Almanac behind the bar for setting/settling bets

5. Some type amateur made foodstuff (jerky, deviled eggs, pickles) behind the bar

6. Sports knowledgeable bartenders…unless they’re a cute girl (or cute guy. Depending on your preference.)

7. Draft beer

8. Free peanuts or pretzels

9. Some way for patrons to compete that requires hand-eye coordination (pool, foosball, ping pong, air hockey, darts, mechanical bull.)

10. Able to fart at any moment without being self-conscious

11. Random high fives

12. Quiet place in back to call wife and tell her you'll be late

13. Those big ass schedule thingy's on the wall where you write in the results

14. Bobble heads above bar that were actual giveaways at the local ballpark

15. Memorabilia may not have any beer/corporate logos

16. NFL Sunday Ticket and NBA/MLB packages (see #2)

17. No beer above $5 (unless it exceeds a standard Big Gulp in total fluid displacement)

18. No DUAL TEAM affiliation...(i.e. they can't say they are a Seahawks AND a Raiders bar. One team affiliation per sport.)

19. No dress code (including rival team colors)

20. The local teams are ALWAYS on. Even if they suck ass.

21. Never, ever a cover charge

(p.s. I tried for over an hour to reformat that above text to make it not have blank lines in between certain numbers. It resulted in having certain random numbers in bulleted style. Which might be even more annoying.)

(p.p.s. I'm watching the Blazers/Suns game right now and just saw the ridiculous commercial for the NBA's website series "On the Go with G.O.", in which a camera crew follows our man around the city doing quirky things. Does this annoy the f-ing crap out of anyone besides me? Could someone not have made an executive decision to temporarily table the promotion of this series, at least until the "star" can get himself out on the basketball floor for a full season, and hopefully make a name for himself for some reason not relating to the size of his dong?) 

(p.p.p.s.s?) I tried to format the text some more. It seems like it maybe did away with the annoying random bullet points, but then insisted on double spacing the list as retribution. Whatever. And if anyone should happen to read this before Thursday, March 25th, the TNT "Inside the NBA" team (Barkley, EJ & Kenny Smith) are going to be calling the Miami/Chicago game at 5. I watched them do a game last year & enjoyed the crap out of it. Portland/Dallas to follow. Should be an entertaining night of basketball.)