If you don't have a spare $70-$250 (?!) laying around, and thus will not be attending this year's MFNW (which I like to think stands for 'Masturbation Fest Northwest'), you're in good company - me, too! Luckily for us, the sour grapes are ripe for the picking - here's my handy-dandy guide to making your own music fest this week, absolutely free of charge .

I wouldn't be me if I didn't plug my own stuff first, so let's get T.G.I.BarFly out of the way. This Friday, September 9th , we'll be at one of our longtime fave raves, The Speakeasy (609 SE Taylor), from 5-8pm, with DJ HazMatt aka Statutory Ray of Exotic Magazine's infamous "Tales from the DJ Booth" column. There'll be free eats, fabulous prize drawings, and $1 doms, $2.75+ micros, $3 well drinks, throughout the festivities. Come on down!

Now, where were we? Ah, yes, we don't need no stinking wristbands! Without further ado, I present FXFO: BarFly's DIY Guide to Making your own PDX Fest, FREE! Yes, FXFO does stand for F*ck By F*ck Off (thank you, again, Miss Brandi Starbird!). Feel free to make your own FXFO VIP laminate and souvenir t-shirt.

There are several other fests making the rounds this week, all of them free of charge. Namely:

FreeFestNW
Wednesday-Sunday
FreeFestNW is one excellent idea - a loose binding together of dozens of free shows across the northwest, from September 7th-11th. See the FreeFestNW website for the full poop. Portland venues include Al's Den, Slim's, Kenton Club, Buffalo Gap, The Waypost, Plew's Brewsand Mount Tabor Theater among others. The Mount Tabor Theater recently passed into yet another set of hands - that of its landlord, and longtime Portland bar owner, Phil Ragaway, who's enlisted the talents of Abe Nielsen, formerly Mike Thrasher's man in Seattle, to do the booking and management. Things are looking up, and decidedly less hippy-dippy. They'll have FreeFestNW gigs all week, so it's a great time to check out their new scene.

Music Millennium In-Store Shows
Wednesday-Tuesday
Music Millennium's been hosting legendary in-store performances for decades now. This week (and into next) they're featuring some of MFNW's best and brightest. Wednesday (6pm): Charles Bradley. Thursday: (6:30pm) We Are Augustines. Friday (6pm): Mary Flower. Saturday (5pm): The Gardes. Sunday (4pm): Star Anna & The Laughing Dogs. Monday: (5pm) William Topley, (6pm) Ladytron, (7pm) Blitzen Trapper. Tuesday (6pm): Blind Pilot.
Music Millennium
3158 East Burnside

OPB Music In-Studio Shows
Wednesday and Thursday
Rock out NPR-style live and in person, inside the hallowed halls of OPB's broadcast studios. Be sure to check out the OPB Music Day Party info, below, too. Wednesday (12:30pm): Charles Bradley and the Menahan Street Band. Thursday: (2pm) Blind Pilot, (5pm) Blitzen Trapper. NOTE: You need to make reservations in advance for these shows. Click the link for more info.
OPB Studios
7140 SW Macadam Ave

Mike Coykendall's week-long 'residency' at Al's Den
Wednesday-Sunday
The venerable Mike Coykendall is doing a week-long 'residency' at the newish McMen's Al's Den space, below Ringler's Annex and the Crystal Hotel. Special guests every night.
7pm
Al's Den
303 SW 12th Ave

Three for Free at Dr Marten's
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday
This one is actually a part of MFNW, but you don't need a wristband to attend. Thursday: (4pm) DJ Hannuka Miracle, (5pm) Typhoon. Friday: (4pm) DJ Safi, (5pm) Ted Leo. Saturday: (4pm) DJ Rev Shines, (5pm) Dam Funk.
Dr Marten's HQ
NW 10th and Burnside (across 10th from Powell's)

Hot Nights/Warm Coats 4
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday
Get your hip-hop on and support a great cause - coats for needy kids. Admission is free, but stop by Goodwill and bring a gently used kid-size jacket with you. Produced by local rap impressario, Ozone. Friday: Young Mil, Jerz 503, Mr. MR, LA White, Tragedy, The Gooniez, Al-One ft DJ Spark and Sole Pro. Saturday: Mighty, Bad Habitat, Halfmanhalf featuring DJ Ozrock, Mac Smiff, Pele Won, Top Shelf and North Scientifik. Sunday: Zany the Wordsmith, Tone G & Dami, Poverty's Posterboy, Paulie Think, J-Ritz & Saywords, Abadawn featuring The Kill Party, So Saditty and S1kOnes.
9pm
Bossanova
722 East Burnside

This! Fest
Friday and Saturday
Get your nerd on at this literature and music combo platter. Basically, a night of equal parts reading and rocking. Bands include: Kind of Like Spitting, Point Juncture, WA, Archeology, Deer or the Doe, Yeah Great Fine, IOA, Pigeons, Hurtbird, Brothers Young, Bright Archer, Team Evil, Awkward Energy, Petoskey, Paper Upper Cuts, DJ Papi, DJ Cooky Parker, DJ Bill Portland and DJ Gigante. The authors are: Jon Raymond, Lidia Yuknavitch, Tom Bissell, Emily Chenoweth, Kevin Sampsell, Frayn Masters, Vanessa Vaselka, Zachary Schomburg, Mary Rechner, Taylor Clark, Lisa Wells, Dan Deweese, Matt Love, Jay Nebel, James Gendron, Joseph Mains, Evan P. Schneider, A. Wolfe, A.M. O’Malley, Casey Jarman, Alison Hallett, Justin Hocking, Sarah Royal, M D’Alessandro, Martha Grover, and Michael Heald.
5pm-2:30am Friday and 3pm-2:30am Saturday
The Woods
6637 SE Milwaukie

HempStalk
Saturday and Sunday
What's that smell? Let your freak flag fly at this celebration of all things pot. I mean, uh, hemp. Saturday: State of Jefferson, The Sindicate, J. Mack & Big Dub, Los Marijuanos, Western Aerial, The Skunky Bunch, Kerry Dean Strickler Band, Wy'east and Tim Pate. Sunday: Wy'east, Garcia Birthday Band, Pass Margo, Real One & Selekta Lou, Tommy G, Bad Habitat, Bobby Fossek, Tim Pate and Ngaio Bealum.
10am-9pm Saturday and 10am-8pm Sunday
Kelley Point Park
North Lombard @ Marine Drive

Oktoberfest at Widmer Brewery
Saturday, only
It's an Oktoberfest block party at the landmark brewery on North Lombard. Bands include Dr Theopolis, The Quick & Easy Boys, Empty Space Orchestra, Hey Marseilles, and Colin Lake & Wellbottom.
3pm-11:30pm
Widmer Gasthaus
929 N Russell St

F!ckFest
Sunday, only
If you like your rock a little bit psychedelic and a little bit garage-y, here's your show: The Ax, Holy Children, Branden Daniel & The Chics, Hidden Knives, Jr. Worship, and special guests.
8pm
Ella Street Social Club
714 SW 20th Place

Okay, so those are the other fests rolling around town. Now, here's a run-down of juicy-looking free shows and parties, this week. All of the following parties and shows are absolutely free of charge, and most are exclusively 21+. Although admission is free, you may need to RSVP, depending on the event. Be sure to click on the links for the parties that pique your interest, and double-check for invite info.

Wednesday, September 7th

The Great American Ale Trail Book Release Party
Author Christian DeBenedetti celebrates the publishing of his beery travel guide, The Great American Ale Trail, with a party at Hopworks featuring FREE BEER AND BBQ FOR THE FIRST 100 ATTENDEES! And, this isn't just any old free barbecue - the grill will be manned by Portland celebu-chefs, Leather Storrs (Noble Rot) and Scott Dolich (Park Kitchen). Bonus: this has absolutely nothing to do with MFNW.
Hopworks
2944 SE Powell
6-9pm

Labelmates
If you like your music homegrown, here's a night for you - the deejays are all local record label owners, and their wares will be on sale throughout the night. With DJ Remy Marc, Curtis Knapp, Community Library DJs, Archers, Adventures with Might, DJ Frank Sumatra and DJ Scott Simons.
8:30pm
Holocene
1001 SE Morrison

Jeffrey Trapp, Flamenco Guitar
Not only is Jeff Trapp one of my personal besties, he's also a top-notch flamenco guitarist. Go figure!
8pm
The Press Club
2621 SE Clinton

Thursday, September 8th

The Works: Vockah Redu and Beyondadoubt
Let's get dirty! A little bit of NOLA blasts out a honey-dripping sock-hop at Washington High School. Part of PICA's Time Based Art Festival, but no badge required for this gig.
11pm
Washington High School
531 SE 14th

DJ Sexy Cousin
Honestly, I don't know anything about DJ Sexy Cousin, other than that he or she has THE BEST DEEJAY NAME, EVER! Sometimes, that's all you need.
9pm
Valentine's
232 SW Ankeny St

Friday, September 9th

Come to T.G.I.BarFly, 5-8pm at The Speakeasy, then hit some of the fests, described above!

Saturday, September 10th

OPB Music Day Party
Here's your chance to meet the delightfully pocket-sized Jeremy Petersen, live and in person! Performers include: Nurses, The Minders, Morning Teleportation, Point Juncture WA, AgesandAges and Y La Bamba. BONUS: free beer and eats! Request an invite by emailing opbmusic@opb.org with MFNW Day Party in the subject line.
11am-3pm
Mississippi Studios
3939 N. Mississippi

Cravedog Records Day Party
WWeak couldn't pull a party out of a bag full of champagne and eightballs, so thank sweet baby Jesus the right-minded folks at Cravedog are taking care of business! Performances by: The Builders and the Butchers, Weinland, Dirty Mittens, Porches, Bison, Bison. BONUS: Free beer, BBQ, and Voodoo Doughnuts!
2-6:30pm
Cravedog HQ
2119 N Kerby

Do you like seeing big rock shows in tiny little bars? Here are two shows right up your alley:

The Lordy Lords, The No Tomorrow Boys and DJ Smooth Hopperator
9pm
Star Bar
639 SE Morrison

and

The Flying WASPS, The Pity Fucks and Therapists
9pm
Yamhill Pub
223 SW Yamhill

Sunday, September 11th

Disco Brunch!
It's a gosh-darn actual Tea Dance! Now you don't have to build that time machine back to 1975. With Serendipity Jones, DJ Nark, Tigerstripes, and Huff n Stuff. BONUS: FREE BRUNCH!
11:30am-6pm
Billy Ray's Neighborhood Dive
2216 NE MLK Blvd

The Do-Over
L.A.'s really not so bad, especially when it's in Portland! This is the latest in a series of Do-Over parties, which I would suggest as a must-do. Hosted and deejayed by Do-Over founders, Jamie Strong, Aloe Blacc, and Chris Haycock, and their extra-special guests. NOTE: You must RSVP!
2-10pm
Produce Row
204 SE Oak St

Marmoset Music Day Party
This looks like a good one, too! Iin order from first up to last: Priory, Gay Ghost, Southerly, No Kind of Rider, Archeology, White Orange, Pinehurst Kids, Drew Grow & The Pastors Wives, Richmond Fontaine. BONUS: Free Ninkasi if you RSVP on the Facebook page!
2-7pm
Rontoms
600 E Burnside

And, finally, if you are going the MFNW route, you're going to need to know where you can actually get a drink - because odds are, you won't be able to get anywhere near the bar at most of its venues. To find the closest oasis, check each venue's BarFly page for a quick list of nearby bars (just below the map feature on each bar's review page). Here's a handy-dandy list of piping hot links for you:

Aladdin Theater 3017 SE Milwaukie **
Ash St Saloon 225 SW Ash
Backspace 115 NW 5th **
Branx 320 SE 2nd Ave **
Bunk Bar 1028 SE Water Ave
Crystal Ballroom 1332 W Burnside **
Dante’s 1 SW 3rd
Doug Fir 830 E Burnside
Hawthorne Theatre 1507 SE 39th **
Holocene 1001 SE Morrison
Jimmy Mak’s 221 NW 10th
Kennedy School 5736 NE 33rd **
Lola’s Room 1332 W Burnside
Mission Theater 1624 NW Glisan **
Mississippi Studios 3939 N Mississippi
Rontoms 600 E Burnside
Roseland Theater 10 NW 6th **
Rotture 315 SE 3rd
Someday Lounge 125 NW 5th
Star Theater 13 Northwest 6th
Wonder Ballroom 128 NE Russell **

** denotes all ages venue, which means getting to the bar will be even more of a bitch.

Happy hangovers!

Word to your mothers,

Miss Jen Lane
BarFly Fame

 

 

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