This is just basic common sense: Don't ever be rude to someone who will be handling your food. Duh, right? The stories you hear are true. When someone treats you like shit they just stepped in the temptation to fuck with their food is huge. Yet people do it all the time. This also goes for ordering food from a server who you've complained about. Now that server has it in for you. When someone's a dick to me I have absolutely no qualms about firing a snot rocket into their dressing cup or purposely dropping their burger on the ground, blowing it off, and serving it. Yes, it's gross. That's the point. Think that's bad? You should see what cooks do to food that's been sent back. But I'm not a cook, I'm a bartender. The following story is not for the squeamish. In fact, you may want to stop reading right here.

  Still with me? Ok, here goes. This one regular was so heinous, my usual revenge simply wasn't good enough. She was one of those regulars who gets off on snitching on the bar staff to the owner and blowing every little thing they do  out of proportion. This time she had gotten me in trouble with my boss yet again, telling her I had spent the entire shift on the phone (I had called a taxi and had to wait on hold), and that I was throwing myself at her Joe Dirt-looking husband (I had lit his cigarette). Of course my clueless boss sided with her and totally reamed me out, much to her delight. Boom! It was on. So her nachos got special treatment. The salsa dish accompanied me into the bathroom where I stirred it with my tampon, and it was a heavy flow day. I then discarded the tampon (doye) and gleefully served the bitch her precious nachos. Watching her wolf down that salsa along with my DNA was better than Christmas. Now everyone repeat after me: NEVER EVER EVER MISTREAT ANYONE WHO HANDLES YOUR FOOD. Have you got a story that's similar or better? Comment away, I'd love to hear about it. Maybe I could use it on the next abusive customer.

P.S. Hi Linda Hughes. Care for a Bloody Mary?