When the bar is slammed and customers expect you to stand there and wait while they survey the menu. When you try to excuse yourself to go do something else while they decide, they say; "No! Wait here!" Like if you run out a food order while they're reading, you won't return to their table until sometime next week. I've got Vietnam going on right now, yet you expect me to stand here and pick my butt while you take your sweet time deciding what you want. Try again. I have customers, cooks, and waitresses getting bent out of shape because they need my attention and I'm just standing there watching you do something you don't need me there to do. Have some faith, I will be back. Bye.

  Throwing a fit over showing I.D. What is the huge deal over this? We aren't doing this to belittle you. We do it because the stupid friggin OLCC makes us. Yes even if you look old enough. They would seriously make us card our own parents. It never fails to crack me up when I card a pregnant girl and she gets all indignant. "Of course I'm old enough, I'm pregnant!" Well I've been fertile since I was 12, so that doesn't tell me dick, except that you got some. Now lighten up. You aren't in a library. We are not asking you to donate a kidney. Show us your I.D. and try not to sigh at us while doing it.

  Customers who want to whisper in your ear. When did this catch on? People who consider themselves urban are the worst about this. They're either trying to hit on you, or they're about to ask you to give them something free. Some creeps will even try to steal a kiss. Ew! And they're always so cocky when they wave you to lean closer. Fuck that. I can hear you just fine. On the flip side are people who YELL WHEN THEY SPEAK TO YOU. Again, urbanites are the biggest perpetrators of this. Why, why, why? I AM NOT HARD OF HEARING! YOU DO NOT NEED TO YELL! Between people like this and the bands, I actually will be deaf by the time I'm 40.

  Sometimes you get customers who want to play Stump The Bartender. Usually people who are new to the bar scene. They try to puzzle you by requesting unusual drinks, or familiar drinks under weird names. If you say you don't know it, they act all superior and say you're not a "real" bartender and you "don't know what you're doing". (See: Dick-tionary under Know-it-all-caholic.) If this is you cut it out. You aren't impressing anyone. Especially you Bartending Academy fools who pull this all the time. There are thousands of drink recipes out there. If your bartender doesn't know one that's out of the mainstream, that doesn't make them a fake bartender. If you want water just say water, don't call it a horses neck just to see if I know what you mean. So I've never heard of an Adult Swim Press. That doesn't mean I should be demoted to dishwasher.

  Keep in mind that your bartender can hear everything you say. So when you start talking about her to your drinking buddy while she's five feet away, even if she's preoccupied, she can hear you. Your drunken state is not making your voice any softer. Your sober bartender catches all your remarks about her appearance and ability whether she acknowledges it or not. I already know you are going to talk about me, is it too much to ask I be out of earshot? And my coworker really appreciated you guys saying she's president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Whoops, she overheard you. She's now in the kitchen cooking your hot wings. Wouldn't eat them if I were you.

  And the worst pests of all...

  You slutty male customers who aggressively hit on me at last call. You're Nasty. I can see why you struck out all night. I may be the only girl you've encountered tonight who hasn't told you to get lost, but that's because I can't. If drunk, horny chicks don't want you, what makes you think I will? You're not getting my number, so give it up. And that doesn't make me mean/racist/stuck up/a lesbian. I do not owe you an explanation even though you're drunkenly demanding one. Do you realize how pathetic you look? No I don't want to go to your after party. If I want to get a train pulled on me I will go to Club Sesso. Just go home, eat Taco Bell and jerk off. Maybe you'll meet women with lower standards next weekend.