Okay, I actually like the Moon & Sixpence, great little establishment there in the Hollywood district, and the bartenders are nice and the beer is good and I lied when I said it licks my ass. But do you know what I find unacceptable, huh? Overuse of "The Moon". I will not tolerate this trash anymore.

"The Moon" is a monumental heavenly body that directy effects the tides of our oceans and helps us figure out what time of the month it is. You'd think that this supposed "Moon" would have a more original name. The moons of other planets get cool names like Io and Titan, we get the Moon. Might as well be The Cantaloupe or the Wood or The Giant Gravity Ball. I know that some godless heathens see it fit to refer to that wondrous gray ball in the sky as Luna, but that's chickenshit pagan crap.

I'd suggest naming it after myself since I'm pretty awesome, but there is a name even greater than my own....

I hereby nominate that from now on "The Moon" shall be refered to as "Ted".

Then sappy songwriters can write songs about holding hands in the light of Ted, and say, "Boy, Ted sure is full tonight", or maybe "She is my Ted and my stars". And when politicians talk about national defense, they can talk of national terror defense plans to mount lasers on Ted, or to blow Ted off it's orbital path with a gigantic fan so as to disrupt earth's gravity and save us from giant melting sea deer that hand out homosexual agendas to school children.

Dammit, I'm pissed. Let's rename that bastard already.

I bet this man also agrees.