POLL - What do bars in Portland need? » Kyle Ritter's BarFly Blog

Posted By Kyle Ritter on October 6, 2005, 4:48 pm

POLL - What do bars in Portland need?

I will no longer be going to any bars unless the establishment can offer one of the following forms of entertainment:

Lipstick lesbians who still like the occassional cock, preferably mine.
Model trains
Guns
RC car track for my friend Brandon. Bonus points for having a glory gate.
Flaming livestock
Word of the day happy hour where you get to beat the shit out of the person who utters any word or phrase I don't like.
Chainsaws
Mormon striptease
Good Hip Hop without a DJ, a dance floor, or anyone else for that matter.
A waterfilled pit in which hipsters are summarily tossed to battle sharks in a gladiatorial fight for survival and spectator entertainment.
Go Karts
Unlimited free beverages for myself.
Enforcing a "no talking about your band" rule.
If you wish to bum a cigarette, you must run through a gauntlet of rapidly swinging chainsaws.
MicroBrew False Front- Make it look like you have 500 different brews on tap, but have them all tapped into a keg of Mickey's and laugh when they complain.
Swift removal of people I find contemptable, including, but not limited to art students and pirate voice imitators.
Real bar brawls with stools, pool cues, bottles, and exciting bar slides. Bonus points for saloon music.
A Bacon ONLY bar menu with no vegetarian options

Whaddya guys think? Which would you most like to see?

« New sexy gal posting her bar time adventures Pick A Fold And Fuck It »

You must login if you want to scribble some bathroom graffiti here. If you don't have an account, you should signup