I used to have an ex boyfriend who always borrowed porn movies from his best friend.

I have really never been one to watch Pornography before. For some reason it seems like when I am single, sex is always exciting, there is usually plenty of it, and I don't seem to need all of these little gadgets to keep me sexually attracted to my partner.

So when I got home from a road trip one time I realized that my DVD library was full of Fuckfest 2001 and other weird porn videos that my ex had stashed for his usage to watch when I was away.

It took me a few weeks before I would sit down and watch it with him........

And when I did I would end up critiquing every little oooh and ahhh

"Um it looks like she's in pain, I don't think she likes that"

"Oh man she's faking it, that guy is so ugly no wonder she has her eyes closed the whole time"

or.........

"Holy shit do you see the size of that guys cock?"

So I have seen some interesting little gimmicks that pornography likes to use for my entertainment and am still having a hard time trying to figure out REALLY why regardless of all of it's ridiculousness, I still seem to get turned on........

Ridiculous Porno Gimmick #1 : A guy has a jelly filled donut over his cock as this Asian chick in pigtails made to look like she was 12 sucked him off and he smashes donut unto her face

What's next a girl sticking vanilla pudding up her vagina and letting him lick it out?

I am also confused as to why the climatic ending ALWAYS has the guy cumming ALL OVER HER FACE and it gets in her eyes and she grimaces and moans in delight as secretly her eyes are probably burning.....

Ridiculous Porn Gimmick #2: The girl is blindfolded and doesn't know who she is going to have sex with so in the beginning she grabs his penis and feels it as if it's some sort of Braille, oh but remember the mask MUST come off when you cum so that you can blind her for real with salty semen.

But I remember one time my ex brought home a new batch of porn from his friend that he never told me about.

Two movies in fact

"Pick a Fold and Fuck It" and "Open Your Mouth and Shut Your Eyes"

At first he didn't tell me the name of the first movie.....he just brings it up like "Hey Gina this is hilarious, you wanna watch a porno with just fat chicks?"

I paused for a moment as all of these graphic images of grossly oversized women bended like pretzels flashed in my brain........

"Uh......well.........ok it might be funny."

So when I read the title to the movie I about died of laughter and decided that that is the best title for a porn movie I have ever heard....

The movie was uneventful though.........I was right.....huge women with huge breasts bended like pretzels...

I made him turn it off.......

But I have realized a few things about my tastes in terms of porn movies from just my short time of watching them........

#1: I like lesbian porn, or like at least two women with one guy

#2: I also like two men one women

#3: I can't stand it when I can hear the man groaning and saying "yeah baby." It absolutely disgusts me. I don't mind hearing the woman groan as long as she's not screeching

#4: I don't like to watch fat women having sex. I realize that it's extremely unfair to say that because as a woman I know what it feels like to constantly fight the stereotypes of body image but it ruins my fantasy. I watch porn for the hot naked ladies.....

#5: I don't like to see the mans face unless he is a good-looking hot male. Why is it that these ugly mutherfuckers who wouldn't be able to get laid in the real world get to have sex with really hot chicks in porn movies? It's not realistic and another reason my fantasy gets ruined

and lastly

#6: What the hell is up with keeping your shoes and socks on when the rest of you is naked?

Nike+Naked does not = good quality videotaped sex So Horray for Portlands Sex Workers for being able to keep your clothes off and allowing me to have a good time and sport my new Mary's Club Jacket I bought myself a few weeks ago that Kyle is always trying to steal

If it wasn't for you my Cowboys and Saloon Girls Parties just might not be as fun