Every once in a while, I see a review posted that I actually do a double take on, and then I dream of a future technology where I can dive into my monitor, travel through cyberspace, and jump out of yours with a couple of sea otters and some abilone shells that I can attach to your balls, then set the otters free while they pound your balls with rocks trying to open the abilones, meanwhile I dive back into your monitor, travel through the internet circuits of time, and end up back in my computer chair, looking quite smug and self satisfied.

Here is why: Let's take the following review by "Shayla" about Union Jack's. It's standard fair really, the same boring subject line ala Losers

I stumbled upon this shitty site while searching for important things like the problems in Africa, our fucked up President that is destroying the last ounce of democracy we have left and you pukes are writing about shit like this? Try making yourselves useful and writing your senator or congress person instead of mastubating at Union Jacks and writing about it when you get home!!!

My initial response is "okay, since you so desperately need meaning in your life that writing letters to a senator is enough to give you a hardon, why are you posting stuff here?"

But then I started getting curious about what "important things" that Shayla was searching for. You see, awhile back, I started logging IP addresses of reviewers after the guys from some of the country bars started posting every fucking day about how hot the chicks were and how good the bar was and how only fat girls go to the other country bars to suck off the fat owners where they are fat and listen to country that isn't good as the nonfat country. While I could rely on my killer instinct alone, logging the IP address helps me keep track of what computers I should blackhole when it comes to users writing reviews.

So anyway, Shayla was masturbating at home and searching about important things rather than going out in the world and doing important things. She "stumbles" across BarFlyMag.com, specifically, our review of Union Jacks.

Naturally, since people aren't writing letters to the senator about Dubya donkey fucking Nigerian 419 scammers, the best course of action is to write about it on this time wasting site.

Now here is Shayla's post info:
Reviewer: shayla
June 6, 2006, 10:13 pm
Reviewer's IP: 70.59.136.153

So, I was able to go through my server logs, find all pages accessed via 70.59.136.153, at approximately 10:13 pm, and "VOILA!", here is what I found:

Remote IP Address: 70.59.136.153
Requested URI: /bar/union-jacks.html
Http Code: 200 Date: Jun 06 10:11:51 Http Version: HTTP/1.1 Size in Bytes: 36256
Referer: http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=TSHA,TSHA:2005-33,TSHA:en&q=Union+Jacks+Portland+Oregon
(Click To See The Page That Lead Her To BarFly)
Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; .NET CLR 1.1.4322)

So basically, Shayla was searching for important things about how to stop Bush from accepting money from white giraffes by Googling "Union Jacks Portland Oregon" (which we are number one for, of course).

Shayla, thank you for giving me something to do this evening. I'll see you at Union Jacks.