Why I was looking at Match.com is going to be a difficult one to explain to Nicole and I hope that she will judge me by the end result. At any rate, while looking at possible, uh, hunks for Nicole's, uh, friend, I chanced upon this article entitled Bartenders' Best Pickup Advice, which was brimming some of the worst suggestions imaginable.

Some glorious gems include "Try talking about your troubles", "Stand out with a signature drink", "Order Cristal and flash your money". I dunno, I use to be a regular bar man whore and bitching about my troubles and ordering some fruity drink while displaying my luxury gold watch and driving cars with fancy cup holders never seemed to work wonders.

Bartenders, you don't know shit. Luckily, I do. Here is the real secret to scoring the dars at bars.

1. Smoke like a bad boy. Girls like bad boys, and whenever I smoked I looked wicked dope.
2. Bring in a good opener friend, preferably a friend with a fake leg or someother curiosity. His entertaining antics will break the ice while you swoop in. He will swat like a small kitten, but you can use your proud lionesque leadership to score the poon.
3. The 3 Ws - Well drinks, Whiskey, and Wheelies
4. The Headband Stalk:
   Wear a headband and be creepy while stalking the drunken lady who is making out with every dude that night. I saw this method work the other night at Sammy's.
5. Instead of making your own rules, read a watered down list of some elses. Works every time.
6. Sandwiches with ham. Ham is an aphrodisiac that makes girls give hand jobs.
7. Check the integrity of your code. If you noticed that hackers might have an easy time exploiting it, make sure you plug the holes.
8. Always ground the negative when jumping the battery. The other clamp goes on the nipple. Believe me. She'll go wild. I know because I watched a movie about it.
9. Survey the crowd. Find the guy with the biggest wang and challenge him to a cock off so that everyone know what they are dealing with.
   
10. When you see the girl that looks like she just broke up with her boyfriend, walk up to her and say "Hey, you just broke up. You are free. It's your time. It's time for a dick spree."

That's all I have so far. But they all work far better than ordering a martini and pretending to be rich.