Patio days are here again and I like my patios like I like my women: 55-65, living in a sub-tropical climate with alligatory tans, drinking spritzers, and wearing garish floral prints. That's how I like my women anyway, especially when they are sunning themselves on afore-mentioned patios and making allusions to their sexual experience. And where else to find sunny days, happy hour deals, and a bevy of senior beauties than the The Applebee's Patio.

While not as great as sharing good fun and good food with my good friends at the nearest Olive Garden, the Fiero hot extreme wings for $3.00 and tasty signature drinks such as the Tropical Hot Cocktini Lemonade make me feel like I'm with family. After Applebee's, the I like to pile my friends into a sleek yet affordable late model sedan and head on down to the nearest Red Lobster for a fancy seafood dinner, shrimp scampi, and Captain Maine's Maineberry Mint Suckerpunch, which they recommend with the breaded biscuit and biscuitted chicken.

Now, if you are looking for something less lame and less patio, BarFster EvilBill is getting a group of people together to sip margaritas at Aztec William's on NE 15th & Broadway. Just a little bit of history for you about Aztec Willie. In 1945 Cortez discovered Mexico which was previously thought to have not existed. There he met the Aztec people who embraced him with the traditional Aztec bear hug. He was determined find an inland route to Yuma, Arizona. So he hired an Aztec survival guide named Willie to help him navigate the fertile deserts of Mexico's interior. Today, over 62 years after Cortez's conquest of Yuma, Aztec Willie remains a revered Mexican hero to the Aztecs. For this reason, the bar's name is a tribute to Aztec Willie.

Going with my incongruent theme of European conquest, I like to now take you to the bio-diverse region of Brazil known as the Amazon rain forest, and it's sister drinking establishment from the north: the bizarre experience known as the Amazon Sports Bar and Grill on NW Couch between 2nd & 3rd. While they don't have a patio and reek of B.O., the big windows roll up and it is well lit by skylights. Plus, the happy hour goes from 4-9pm and is comprised of $1.00 PBR and $2.50 wells. It's proximity to the perpetual show viewable from Shang/Berbati/XV sidewalk seating makes it a nice first place to stop, have a drink, get freaked the fuck out, and ease on down second to a more desirable location.

Dissapointed that I didn't include any actual nice patio deals? Don't be. I lie all the time and you eat it up because secretly, you like that kind of emotional abuse.