I’ve been reading Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace for, like, 5,000 months now. Over that period, I have developed a nervous tick that occurs when anyone says the word “addiction” and a healthy respect for tennis players. Which is why I listen when an angry, Czech tennis player, pry’s himself away from watching the French Open in the smoky confines of Claudia’s to rail about Budweiser.

It took awhile to get used to his thick accent, and for a moment I thought he was merely crazy. Soon however, his angry gesturing and slurring began to make sense.

According to this man, Anhauser-Busch stole the Budweiser name from a brewer in his hometown, Čěské Budějovice, also known to Germans as Budweis. The beer brewed in Čěské Budějovice is called, appropriately: Budweiser. You see the difficulty here. In fact, things have gotten so difficult that there have been a series of drawn-out lawsuits in several different continents as the two companies fight for distribution territory and name rights.

This might be old news for some of you, but it was new news to me. And it was infuriating to the Czech tennis player. “The American Budveiser is goink to lose,” he assured everyone listening. “Can you imagine vhat vill happen?”

I could not- Pandemonium, likely. A new world war? Millions of beer fans crying in their… um… beers over the loss of anthropomorphic frogs, Clydesdales and guys that say “whass ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Frankly, I could give two flying shits. Other than some mild annoyance that Americans are the assholes (again), it doesn’t matter to me if Budweiser has to change its name or not. You see, I do not hold it as a matter of national pride that this swill is made within our borders. Like the Czech said, pointing at his American beer (Hamms), “Thees ez peez.” Yes, my foreign friend, it is peez. Call me a turncoat.

For this fellow, however, his home brewski was as a matter of national pride. More power to him. Apparently, Budweiser Budvar, as his Czech ambrosia is know overseas, tastes more like Pilsner Urquell than peez, a fact which he punctuated by raising his arms almost religiously in front of the neon Pilsner Urquell sign, as if to embrace it.
The supposedly incredible taste of Budweiser Budvar is backed up by the companies website which states, “Due to the unavoidable delicious flavour, unique composition and care in production, our lager is searched for by lovers of high quality beer in all continents.”

Unavoidable… Delicious… Flavor. Can Anhauser-Busch say that? Nope. If you want, you can try the Czech Budweiser for yourself. It’s sold in the states as Czechvar.

After his rant, our tennis playing Eastern European went on his grumpy way, happy to have schooled another American in the ways of copyright law and good beer. He’s out there somewhere in our fair city, grumbling at the bright red taps and waiting for another chance to make his case. Here’s to Budweiser Budvar and the Czech tennis players who love it. I raise my glass of Terminal Gravity IPA and say: Nazdravi!

Now, to get back to that goddamn book… Only four thousand more pages to go…