Last call, dive bar, east side. I was out of breath, grinning. I had drunkenly sprinted five blocks, throwing the weight of my body forward with every stride, allowing gravity and momentum to propel me, manically, down the street to gain a barstool before the door was locked for the night. I clutched my beer, chuckling, mumbling evil little praises to my oh-so-crafty self, hearing my own slur reverberate in the glass as I emptied the beer into my gullet. The bartender rolled her eyes as she waited for me to pass back my empty pint.

The jukebox cut off. We were suddenly aware of loud thud against the front door of the bar. I laughed aloud and stumbled towards the sound, wiping the foam from my lips. The bartender drew back the dead bolt and pushed me out the door into a circle of friends, each of them swaying and looking incredibly annoyed. I raised my fists in triumph as my knees buckled, screaming into the quiet street, “I win!”

Turns out, I hadn’t won. The night of competitive drinking, a game known (and often intentionally forgotten) as Barhopscotch â, had not gone in my favor. A last minute technicality had allowed a competitor to win on bonus points. My furious dive bar rally had put me close in the point totals but the only thing I had to show for it was an equally furious hangover the next day. Still, it was alright- Said “winner” painted the door of his girlfriend’s car with the contents of his stomach as they drove home. She was sober being the scorekeeper and DD. They’re relationship ended shortly thereafter.

This game is not played very often. In fact, it hasn’t been played for two years. That’s because competitive drinking is generally a bad idea. Generally. When is it a good idea? When you are doing it for National Pride, Mr. Doodle Dandy! You might not know this, but there is a drinking game of International proportions being played on this big beautiful planet and it is being officiated by none other than the Economist magazine. Here’s the bad news, America is losing to both France and Germany.

This from the Economist:

Drink up

Jun 12th 2007
From Economist.com

LUXEMBOURG glugs more than 15.5 litres of alcohol per person in a year, more than any other country. One explanation is that the duty on alcohol is relatively cheap in the tiny nation, encouraging booze tourism from its more heavily taxed neighbours. No such explanation for the Irish, however, who quaff 13.7 litres a year, according to the World Health Organisation. European countries, with their cultural acceptance of alcohol, tend to dominate the top places. In America, where stricter minumum-age requirements apply, the average person drinks 8.6 litres a year.

Here’s an informative graph!

Alright America, you have a reputation as an obnoxious, swaggering, beer swilling country, but right now you’re down in the count. I know you’re sucking wind after that sucker-punch in the breadbasket from whisky-lipped Ireland, but you’ve gotta focus. FOCUS! Alright, look at Luxembourg over there… Look at ‘em! What’s Luxembourg wearing? An ascot fer chrissakes? Look at that smug grin. You gotta rally, America. Seven liters. Ya hear me, America? Seven liters is all that stands between you and global domination. Yeah, I know, the metric system is hard. Just think of it as about seven quarts. That’s it. You can drink seven more quarts a year. Easy.
Now listen to me. FOCUS! Are you listening? Alright… I want you to get up, get angry and smack that smug grin and that pompous pencil thin mustache right off Luxembourg’s smug European face, ya hear me? I know you got it in ya champ! USA! USA!

Oh, and I will buy a drink for the first person I hear yelling “Down with Luxembourg!” when they’re knocking back a shot.

We’re the greatest. Let’s start drinking like it for God’s sakes.