Or at least it kills computers. Go on, you say? Alright then.

So I owned this laptop for about five years. It was built like a tank, never gave me any problems. With it, I banged out posts, wrote bad poems, started plays, freelanced- you know the deal. Anywho, I was keeping this laptop right next to my other vital writers tool- the well stocked home bar. Not too long ago I decided said bar could use some lighting. I don't know what I was thinking. It might have been that I'd been drinking and came to the conclusion that the Wild Turkey was afraid of the dark. It might have been that I felt that a lighted bar would do more for my masculinity. It might have been that when waking from night terrors I had found it difficult to find the bar in the middle of the night, resulting in permanently bruised shin bones. 

 Whatever the reason, I found myself installing a kind of high class touch light on the shelves of the bar. It wasn't difficult- you just peel off the paper from the adhesive and stick the light right where you want it. The only thing I hadn't considered was that the shelves in the bar were not held in place by anything but the booze bottles that they supported. I, of course, had not taken the booze out of the cabinet on account of the extra work it would have taken. Also, I'd been drinking. So, as I pressed one of the high class touch lights into place, I lifted the shelf and the bottles began to cascade around my head. It was slow motion time... I began grasping wildly at bottles, hoping to at least slow their decent so they wouldn't break. One particularly large bottle- a bizarre, expensive, lilac liquor that I had received for a birthday and used precisely once in a desperation cocktail- came tumbling past my field of vision and landed with a crack on my laptop.

Good news: Not a drop of alcohol was lost. Bad news: My laptop was completely fucked.

Now, I'm no Rockefeller, so it has taken this long to purchase a new machine and get back in the game. I hope this post serves as some kind of lesson to you all. I'm not sure what that might be, but... there it is.