There have been moments, working as a bartender, when I have been certain the lunatic perched on the barstool across from me was putting me on. For instance, the fellow who called himself Mike and loudly proclaimed to an empty bar that he was “one niggah you don’t want to fuck with,” before launching into a list of racial slurs, impressive in its scope and mind boggling in its sheer offensive creativity, or the gentleman who claimed he was completely numb on his left side, but refused an ambulance and instead played video poker until he was finally so weak and breathless he asked me to call a cab so he could “go home and sleep it off.”

Well, as it turns out, it could be possible that these men were, in fact… Imposter Drunks! Dunh dunh duuuunh!

This from The Daily News Tribune in Waltham, MA:

Actors to help net liquor sale violators 

By Jeff Gilbride/Daily News staff
GHS
Mon Oct 15, 2007, 11:48 PM EDT

 

City officials yesterday offered a stern warning to liquor license holders to have inspections up to date and to prepare for a series of tests police will conduct to make sure servers don't break law.

Waltham Police Lt. Steve Champeon told licensees he is currently working with Waltham's Responsible Retailing Forum (RRF), a collaboration between liquor licensees, Brandeis University, Bentley College and governing agencies.

According to Champeon, Waltham Police in conjunction with the RRF will be sending mystery shoppers in to bars, restaurants and package stores that will be "in an obvious inebriated state."

At the meeting, actor Sonya Joyner offered a demonstration as to how other actors might appear when they show up for secret liquor compliance checks.

Joyner stumbled across the stage and remained unsteady on her feet. She often slurred her words and pretended to order alcoholic beverages from bars and package stores in her act.

At the meeting, some licensees argued the problem with the actors is some bar tenders did not believe the actors were drunk in previous instances and thought they had a medical condition or special needs.

"We learn by doing," Champeon said, adding that the actors will give verbal cues this month indicating they are intoxicated.

We learn by doing, indeed. As a bartender and an actor (http://actionadventure.org/) I was enthralled by this story. I have suddenly realized that I might have a future in the Waltham, MA, Drunken Actors Repertory Theater Company. I mean, I can play drunk… Sure it’s method acting but, whatever! I mean, we learn by doing, right? I wonder how a person wrangles an audition with the Waltham Police? Wait… I just thought of like, a dozen different ways…

Still, the paranoid, OLCC fearing, drink slinger in me, read this story with squinty eyes. This is exactly the kind of thing those evil bitches at the OLCC might pull on Portland’s pourers.

Seriously, I can’t tell you how many people have come into my bar appearing to have “special needs.” At least the actors will be giving verbal clues to their faux intoxication. Probably something like, “Yo! I am so fucking hammered right now.” The problem is, that phrase can be translated by bartenders to mean, “Yo! I gots some mad cash to blow in this bar and I’m too drunk to realize I’m over-tipping!”

At any rate, my job will never be the same.

Now for shameless self-promotion! Come see me act drunk in the long awaited second season of Fall of the House at Theater! Theater! (3430 SE Belmont). It’s a serialized drama-dy with improvised dialogue, running Th. thru Sat. for the next four weekends. A new episode each weekend! Opens tonight at 10:30 PM, runs about an hour. There’s a tremendous amount of places to drink before the show on Belmont. Hope to see you there!