I’m just going to say this right out front: Drunk driving is no good. Okay? Alright then. I mean, this is why I bribe my lady to be the DD (which is also, coincidentally, her bra size) or generally drink in places that are in walking distance. The only thing my intoxication will endanger, when I’m walkin’, is my own purty face. Plus, it is hard to kill children who ride small bikes when you are merely staggering. The worst that could happen is that you could bruise them when you fall on top of their tiny little bodies. Plus, I never have to offer to show my tits to the arresting officer. Wait. What? I’m getting ahead of myself.

This from the Billings Gazette:

Denied again: DUI stands
Billings real estate agent tried begging her way out of arrest

By GREG TUTTLE
Of The Gazette Staff

A 28-year-old woman who tried to beg and bribe her way out of a drunken-driving arrest was convicted Monday at a District Court trial.

The trial included testimony from only one witness, a Yellowstone County sheriff's deputy who said he stopped Craig on Feb. 21, 2006, when the woman's pickup truck pulled out in front of his patrol car from the parking lot of a bar on Highway 312. Deputy Patrick Korb said he had to brake to avoid a collision.

After watching the pickup swerve several times between the fog line and center line, Korb said he stopped the truck at about 10:30 p.m. The traffic stop and Craig's subsequent arrest were recorded on a patrol car video and played for the District Court jury.

Korb said Craig smelled of alcohol, failed a field sobriety test and refused to take a preliminary breath test at the scene.

After Craig was handcuffed and placed in the patrol car for the drive to the county jail, she began to plead with the deputy to release her. She then offered the deputy a favor in return for her freedom.

"I will show you my boobs," Craig told Korb. "I will pay you. I will do anything."
[emphasis mine]

Craig again failed a sobriety test at the county jail and refused to submit to a breath test. She was cited for first-offense DUI and was released to her husband.

Here’s the thing about driving drunk. Not only are you endangering your life and the lives of others, you are in no way equipped with any kind of rational mind if (and when) you are pulled over by the smokies. This shit can and will be used against you in the court of law. Won’t officer Hardcock just love telling that story to the boys back at the precinct?

“Yeah, so I pulled over this drunk guy and get this- Bubba says I can’t arrest him cause he has a blog on this website called Barfly. Well I never heard of it, but this numbnuts thinks he’s all hot-shit. So anyways, Mr. fancypants starts to get all panicky and he’s, like, whimpering like a little baby… Then, outta the blue he asks me if I wanna touch his ass! Like that’s gonna get him outta the ticket! And he’s starting to pull down his jeans swearing to God his ass is like some sort of magical treasure. Well, I beat him up pretty good before I booked him. Still, I have to admit he did have some luscious humps.”

Yeah, keep dreaming officer… me and my humps are walking.

 

 I did kinda want to touch 'em

This has been a "scared kinda sober" moment.