I’ve always been curious as to why there wasn’t enough good nasty slang for women’s sexuality.  I still don’t know why, but a couple of years ago, I decided to do something about it, and made some shit up myself.  Mind you, this train of thought wasn’t inspired by a feminist agenda (I’m not one), but rather by a life long career as a Yuck Mouth.  In an effort to incorporate this freshness into the English lexicon, I will now share these euphemisms with you.  I believe we might begin with one or two Latin terms.

To describe fellatio, we already have plenty of good, solid, common slang which describes the deed: suck off, blow job, give head.  But for cunnilingus, the pickings are slim – “eat out” is pretty much the standard, and it doesn’t have the workaday feel that I’m looking for.  Same problem with the majority of colorful exotic euphemisms for “going down” (male or female) – “I love it when he munches my rug” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, so to speak.  I was telling Sallymander about my difficulty nailing down an appropriate term explicitly for the oral stimulation of the female anatomy, and it turns out that she and the Cackalacky crew had already tackled this one.  In a magnificent parallel to the blow job, they dubbed cunnilingus a “box job.”  What a wonderful invention!  I think we’ve finally found a new symbol to represent North Carolina (“First in Flight” is soooo played out – we’ve been flying on the Wright Brothers’ coat-tails for over a century now)!

My next self-appointed task was to create a female counterpart to “hard-on.” Again, the phallic phrase is an excellent description of an erection, while an analogous term for the ladies is heretofore non-existent.  Where’s the Gate Keeper

 . . . for the Key Master? 

I think “wide-on” does the trick.  I know it’s a little crude, but it’s catchy, not to mention self-explanatory, n’est-ce pas?

Next, consider this . . . to describe male masturbation, an all-purpose descriptive term is “jack off.”  This is a great euphemism, because it sounds like what it is, it’s compact, and it’s straightforward.  But for women, again there doesn’t seem to be a likable, all-purpose slang term for the act.  Do any of you really call it “polishing the pearl” or “impeaching Bush”?  I want something that describes what we girls do, and “jacking off” doesn’t work for the equipment I have.  And so, just as God took Adams’s rib to make Eve, I took “jack”  make “jane,” by applying the feminine variation of the name. So what do you think, ladies – would you say that you on occasion indulge in a little “janing off”?  Now, I love the Cyndi Lauper, so I’ll still probably utilize “she bop” occasionally, just for fun.  Maybe because it was my nickname in high school (because of my clothes . . .

NOT because they caught me janing off in the cafeteria john.  Because they didn’t catch me, I tell you, even though Cyndi taught us that “everybody bops”!). 

Speaking of touching yourself in the bathing suit area, did you know that May is Masturbation month?  And if you’re willing to “go down south,” you can even participate in San Francisco’s Masterbate-a-ton and "put the 'fun' back in 'fundraising' by wanking for a good cause."

My final new phrase for you good people is one that runs contrary to my original goal of streamlining sexual metaphors.  But hey, I’m all for colorful, elaborate expressions as well, I just don’t expect them to become part of the everyday parlance of our times.  Anyways, I was writing an Email to our friend Kyle, and made a typo while wrting “let the cat out of the bag.”  And so, America’s hottest new terminology for a girl becoming a ho is to “let the cat out of the vag”!

Feel free to use all of the euphemisms as if they were your own . . . I made them for the people; I give them to the world.  I’ll know that they have really caught on if Peaches incorporates any of them into a song.  Speaking of the Fancypants Hoodlum, doesn’t anybody besides she and I say “dick” anymore?  Everything these days is penis this and penis that, whereas “dick” is a perfectly good word that has fallen by the wayside.  When I was a kid, we said dick all the time and we LIKED it!  And while you’re at it, remember the “rubber”?  Condom is such a clinical word – no fun at all.  Apparently, one reason that lame show “Sex and the City” has been deemed by some as “revolutionary” is because of the main characters are women that use curse words.  Really, they cuss?!?  Wow, that’s so heavy.  Hey, I’ve always had a filthy mouth, and have videos from my high school days to prove it, so maybe I can win a Monte Carlo Television Festival Golden Nymph Award, too!