Posted By ShanRock on February 7, 2007, 6:57 pm

Bloody Fucking Marry

There is a fresh new game sweeping SE Portland, which I discovered on Saturday night after a dance party at my house with O'Shea McKay.  As we caught our breath, wiped our brows with plush towels, and signed autographs, we had a conversation about that bitch-goddess television and how she nurtures and comforts with one arm, while she sneaks hours and hours of our lives away with the other.  Then Sallymander came over, fresh from soccer in her bright orange uniform, and after planning a super-fly slumber party, we debated a more immediate plan of action. 

Karaoke was on and off the table all night, but much like the herpes simplex virus in most human bodies, Yen Ha will always be there.  Also, one of my favorite Yen Hos, Kyle, bowed out, as he had been eating tainted shellfish and fermented grape juice at the convention center all day, and probably wanted to stay close to a porcelain throne in case these questionable foodstuffs decided to make a repeat appearance (I myself only eat seafoods of exotic varieties, such as jellyfish and narwhal). 

And so, we hit a local bar for some good old fashioned boozing (the classics never die).  Holman's i'twas - whiskeys all 'round, then we embarked upon the afore-mentioned game, which shall henceforth be known as Bloody Fucking Marry. 

This is an entertaining pastime in which someone picks three individuals who have some sort of strong similarity, either superficial
or significant.  Everyone else must choose one of the trio to marry, one to fuck, and one to kill.  Sometimes it's all too easy to choose.  For example, the gals asked me to sort Julia Roberts (whom I was planning to kill anyway), Hillary Swank (whom I would marry if I were from the island of Lesbos), and Belinda Carlisle (I don't care what orientation you are, she is hot:  



. . . AND a Go-Go, and thusly, thoroughly fuckable). 

But oftentimes, some jerk just has to take it to the Dark Side, and force her friends to choose between lesser of evils.  And so, I posited this wicked triumverate to the gang: Pol Pot, Stalin, and Hitler.  Sallymander quickly provided an astute and humane response.  She would marry Hitler, because he's just plain nuts, and so she could potentially have some control, and therfore positive effect, over his actions.  Stalin, seeming more like a simple brute, is probably less malleable, and also is (arguably) guilty of the highest body count, and therefore must die.  Which leaves, by default, the lucky Pol Pot to score a disgusting quickie with Sallymander.  It's probably no coincidence that he is also the only of the three who didn't sport sick facial hair (you do NOT want to know what O'Shea said about Adolf's taint brush - it gave us gooseflesh).  Anyway, thanks for offering to take one for the team, Sal - Team Homo Sapien thanks you.

Bathroom Graffiti

I'm way better Hitler. And I love that this is the first time Hitler's name has been used on the internet outside the context of Godwin's law. WikiPee it.

Kyle Ritter
Feb 8th, 2007 10:17 pm

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