Once upon a time in the Yen Ha, a stranger asked me to make out with him; I said yes. That man's name was Willy Greer. What followed was a spring fling chock full of karaoke and Barfly Buses. After a time, irreconcilable differences re-aligned our relationship into a non-makey-outy one. Those irreconcilable differences? He only drinks Jagermeister, red wine, and bloody marys, and I only drink whiskey, Bass Ale, and the tears of my foes, so clearly, we never had a chance at a real relationshhip. And yet, friendship prevails! Thusly, here is a report from Portland's own Master of the Macabre & Henchman of Horror on his favorite beverage. How could this guy NOT love something with a grisly name like "bloody mary"? Willy brings terror and darkness to the world in so many ways, from his radio show, Horror Holocaust, to his book, Shadow Play: Philosophy and Psychology of the Modern Horror Film. And now, this:

First off, thank you Shanrock, for allowing me to share some space with you here, in order to praise and critique a beverage I know you're not terribly fond of.

It's an instant breakfast, it's a hangover cure, but most importantly, it's an art in the often scientific world of mixology. As long as the flavor triumverate of tomato juice, spice, and vodka are present, an inspired bartender can improvise with a myriad of non-essential ingredients to add his or her own signature. You can visit all the bars in town and have a different Bloody Mary experience each time, and that's what I'm hoping to do. However long it takes me, by god I am going to try every Bloody Mary Portland makes.

Join me, won't you? Our first crawl begins in my neighborhood of NE Broadway.

MILO'S CAFE (1325 NE Broadway)

The first time I sampled a Milo's Mary, I was a little too hungover from the previous night's Karaoke/ cocaine birthday bender to be terribly objective, but even in states as dark as the one I was in that day, I knew I had a good drink on my hands.

When I came back a few weeks later, my server boasted the best Mary in town. That's a bold statement, and I honestly don't know if I can support that claim, but she makes a damn fine Mary, indeed. There's a nice citrus bite, and a smooth, smoky Worcester body. A dill finish lingers on the back of the tongue afterwards. Comes with a lime wedge and a pickled green bean. I could drink three of four of these without blinking.

COLOSSO

What the hell is this? A fruit salad?

GILT

The lady behind the Milo's Mary recommended the Bloody Martini over at Gilt, which is made with one (or both) of two house vodkas - one infused with Serrano pepper, and one infused with cucumber.

This Mary is shaken at your table, and served in a martini glass. If you can put up with the obnoxious Yuppie atmosphere of Gilt, you'll probably enjoy the hell out of this one.

The cucumber actually serves to neutralize the heat, which only shows up in the aftertaste. The rim of the glass is frosted with house-made horseradish salt. This is one of the most complex and tasty Marys I've yet had. Great consistency, as well. For a drink that comes in a martini glass, this fucker drinks like a steak.

Thank you, Willy! Keep the blood a-flowin'!