My now-ex boyfriend is leaving Oregon to get away from the Video Lottery Death Machines, which suck out your bone marrow, and also to get away from all the remodeling projects he started in our house, which I am not left to deal with. Bless him!

 Anyway, he's the fella that introduced me to the Video Lottery Macines of Horror, which suck all the color from your skin and make you ashen gray. We lost a sufficient amount of money on it, so that we will never actually recover from the shame. 

Anyway, last night we went for one last toll o' the dice (that says "toll" instead of "roll" on purpose- it is a joke! See?). Sort of like people who've been hit by cars going to stand in the middle of the Highway for Old Times' Sake. 

We entered that venerable old instition, The Trap, on 52 and Foster,ish, to find nobody at the usually busy row of Video Lottery Machines of Death by asphyxiation  as your money flies through your back pocket, up into your an*s, through your noodle like parts that are all packed tight, all throughout your alimentary canal and out your windtube, through your awestruckly open mouth, and into the machine.

"Not a good night to play..." muttered the Now-X. 

"Hmm," I observed.

Theory here is that: if the fogeys in a place like the Trap are not playing, it must be a night when the machines are, as I call it, "Turned off." Oh, they're not actually disconnected from power. They blink and spin and bark like a seal and squeal like a pig, but they will not give you much money. Basically, on a night like this, you'd do well to cash out if you raise your 20 dollar bill to $21.50. Cash Out! I say, for it shall likely not go much further up, and will likely go further down, all the way to that friendly little number: Zero (named, by the way, after the famed singer, Zero Motel, or something like that. He did Fiddler on the Roof). 

However, the other night I went into the ever-lively Space Room, where youngsters are perpetually overesrved, so there is always an annoying loud clutch of them seated near me, usually with some hot chick (like Now-X would probably like a LOT!) who has the unfortunate characteristic of braying like a tortured donkey whenever she laughs, which is a lot, cuz on account she is always overserved. 

 On that particular night, nobody was playing but me, at first, the machines of horrible mutilation were empty. I put in one twenty, and lost it. Then I tried another machine (More on this later!), and lo' and behold, like flies from a filthy corpse do rise when you disturb said corpse with the toe of your tennis shoe accidentally, the MONIES were FLOWIN! My Brother! And I mean Like Wine From a Corrpse!

 The kindly bar staff informed me. at a brisk yell, "FIVE MINUTES! COME ON FOLKS!" and I was trying to cash out, I really was! But I kept getting Flush after Flush after inside of another Flush inside another Flush after a Flush, in Flush FRENZY Fever.

 Walked out of that place a rich man, except I am a woman, and it was $529 bucks. Which ain't rich to some, but me it is. 

 By the way,  I love the barkeep forever, because she did not insist on LOUDLY COUNTING OUT MY WINS at the bar in front of all those criminal types who drink alcoho EVEN THO it has been prohibited in our God's Country since 1929, or therabouts. DUH? NEVER HEARD OF THE PROHIBITION? She actually walked me over to a table and counted it out softly. 

 So, in that case, the "Empty Machines = Empty Wallets" equation did not computer. NOT ONLY THAT, but I had previousy put in a Twenny at the Water Trough (an unassuming Hole in the Proverbial Wall, where they serve you Coke Cole in a Can), across the Hawthorne Blvd. There I quickly won $324... It was a miracle! 

And then I lost it all cuz I got mad at Now-X for not answering my calls, the big jerk. Well, hes not that big. Well, unless you mean -- oh never mind. He's moving out of state, anyway. You can't have him.

Still, the fact is - the GAMES OF HATRED AT THE WATERTROUGH WERE EMPTY TOO!! And yet- riddle me this- they were producing Copious amounts of Cash.

 Anyhoo, a much better judge of character, in my mind, is to test the games. Play minimal bets- half the lines, perhaps, or one credit on a card game. Play no more than a buck or buck fifty, even seventy-5 if you want! But no more. If you don't see some positive action by then, you may not see it! Move to a different game on that particular machine of capitalist oppression Some games will show you the lovin' and you got yourself a winner! But, on an OFF night, nothing will ever get you far above the amount you put in. Take your licks and cash out, cash out, damn ye.

 Take the case of the Piggies. I went in to the Venerable E Room in my neighborhood, figuring since all men reject me, I should try me a LADY. (Well, that's what my mother told me to do. And lo and behold, there was a gent in there! Playing the Piggies game. And he had already won 900 dollars american, he told me, and was now winning 250 americans dollar. 

So, I rused to the ladies' room (less Masculine one), and dialed Now-X. "PIGGIES ARE ON!" and he went out and won a couple hundred. The next day, tho: Piggies were DOWN.

 Code PINK!

See, it all goes to show! Still, Now-X arrived at my house, sad because he had lost his gas money to gambling on the way over. I said, "Shite, and here's me all flush with CASH from playing FLUSH and winning cash. His eyes bulged like shiny spheres! "That game NEVER wins!" he said.

And I had to laugh. For, in the Video Lotteries of OReGamble, EVERY game has it's day. Flush actually has it's day more regularly. Until, that is, the 666Beasts in Salem see this post, hunt me down, kill me, and repattern the machines. 

 If that happens, be very cautious