This week’s crawl will take us into North Portland, which is supposed to be “the new Southeast.” Or maybe it’s “the first stop on the lower class’s Trail of Tears to Vancouver.” I guess it depends on whom you talk to.   

NITE HAWK 

A decent Mary, absolutely. Nice balance; nice spicy kick. The pervasive cloud of GPC smoke in the air taints the tasting experience a little bit, but the Bukowski vibe of this place is totally worth it. 

 TIN SHED 

Extra spicy, with pepper-infused vodka. Comes garnished with a celery stalk, the way God intended.  Very full-bodied, but not too chunky.This one is simultaneously smoky and fresh tasting, with heavy notes of pepper and cucumber. A very pleasant burn in the vodka. A total treat. 

 5^th QUADRANT 

Sharp, zesty and a good deal spicy. Horseradish sends this one pretty far out there, rendering it a little less flavorful and complex, but it makes for a nice exciting sip. Michele says there’s too much Worcester, but in my opinion there’s no such thing.  

STANFORD’S (PDX AIRPORT) 

Stanford’s has a reputation for basically being an upscale TGI Friday’s; a place for douchebags in jeans and sandals. Airport bars have a reputation for not really caring how crappy – nor how expensive – their drinks are. So why am I doing this? Out of a masochistic sense of journalistic duty. You’re welcome.

The Airport Stanford’s Mary is far from shitty, but it’s wholly unremarkable. It’s as if it had been test-marketed into complete submission.It comes garnished with a lime wedge, olive, pepperoncini, a cherry tomato and a little slice of pepperoni, which lends the drink its only uniqueness. I suppose it’s what an airport Mary should be: a pleasant way to kill ten minutes. Cost: seven fifty. Not unreasonable at all by airport standards. Not like that fifteen-dollar piece of shit in the San Francisco airport. 

 ALIBI

 The Alibi is Portland’s premier Tiki Karaoke lounge. Tropical drinks are their specialty, so obviously the question on everyone’s mind is: How’s their Bloody Mary? Well, as you might have guessed, it comes in a Daiquiri glass with a parasol.

This is one of the few Marys I’ve ever had in which vodka was the dominant flavor. My tongue is growing numb; it’s like drinking tomato-flavored Novocain.  I’m already too fucked up to review it.