Welcome to the poverty-row reboot of There Will Be Blood, wherein we will be reviewing the Marys of one establishment at a time, as opposed to several.  "Excess in moderation" is a fine consolation; we all do what we have to in these current economic blah blah blah.

Today I'm at  Slappy Cakes on 42nd and Belmont, a breakfast place that has exploded in popularity in a very short time, in defiance of the aforementioned economic blah blah. Could this be an omen of good things to come in the new year? I'm hoping so, as I'm also hoping that Bloody Marys will soon legally be recognized as breakfast so I can buy them with food stamps. Come on, Obama! 

Slappy Cakes grows their own produce in a garden out back, and they use New Deal vodka, so these Marys are as Portlandian as they can be. We're starting off this morning (about 2 PM) with the green Mary with optional bacon garnish (extra points for Slappy Cakes right out of the gate). Unlike the fabled and shortlived green Mary at the Florida Room, the Slappy green Mary isn't terribly spicy; rather, it's insanely zesty and refreshing. The saliva glands explode upon every sip. Jesus Fucking Christ. There's a light pepper note that maintains a small trace of traditional Bloody Mary heartiness, but it's quickly forgotten in the face of a tangy, pepperoncini-like afterburn. Very different from the classic, but good for breakfast as well; it wakes you up quick and calms you back down.

The red is classic and traditional. Not a thing wrong with it. Lotta Worcester; always a good thing in my book. It's a nice thing to come home to after going off on my little adventure with the green one.

If you go during "Slappy Hour," you can get a pitcher of either of these magnificent beasts for 15 bucks. I suppose it bears mentioning  that the food at Slappy Cakes is well worth experiencing, but even if their menu consisted of nothing but microwaved Ore-Ida tater tots, the Marys would make it worth the trip. They come in fucking pitchers.